Are
You Addicted to Your Children?
By Margaret Paul
Is it possible to be using our children addictively?
Anything that we use to get love, avoid pain and fill up inner
emptiness can become an addiction – even our children! If
your children are your whole life – if you don't have a
strong spiritual connection with a personal source of love and
guidance, as well as other relationships and interests that you
are passionate about -- you might be using your children to fill
an empty place within you.
If you don't have a partner or your relationship with your partner
is not fulfilling to you and you don't have deeply connected and
meaningful friendships, then you might be using your kids as your
major emotional connection. If you don't have hobbies or work
that are compelling and fulfilling to you, you might be using
your children to give meaning to your life. If you don't have
a daily spiritual practice that brings love and comfort to your
soul, you might be using your children to fill this need.
A
burden to children
If this is what you are doing, it is not good for your children.
It is a huge burden on children to be responsible for their parent's
loneliness and sense of purpose. Children who feel this responsibility
often become caretakers, giving themselves up to take care of
a parent. On the other hand, a child burdened with this responsibility
may rebel and distance from the parent, spending less and less
time at home to avoid the burden of the parent's emptiness.
I grew up as an only child with a mother who had nothing fulfilling
in her life other than me. Her whole focus was on me, and because
I couldn't possibly fill her up in the way she needed to be filled,
she was often angry at me. I became a good little girl, a good
caretaker of my mother, but the result was that I was a nervous
and unhappy child and wanted to be away from my house as much
as possible.
Our children need to be a part of our life, not our whole life.
We need to role model for them what it looks like to take personal
responsibility for filling ourselves up. We need to show them
what it looks like to take responsibility for making ourselves
happy, rather than rely on them for our happiness. Your children
want to know that they are important to you, but not so important
that your well-being is dependent upon them. You might want to
explore the following questions to see if you may be using your
children addictively.
•
Do you have a solid spiritual practice that fills you with a
sense of peace and gives meaning to your life?
•
Are you expressing your particular talents in a way that feels
meaningful and productive to you and gives you a sense of fulfillment?
•
Do you have fulfilling emotional connections with other adults
– a partner, other family members or friends?
If you answered
"yes" to these, then you are probably not using your
children addictively.
•
Do you feel bored and useless when your children are not around?
Is it your children that give your life meaning?
•
Is your sense of worth attached to your children's achievements?
Do you tend to take it personally if one of your children has
a problem?
•
Are you over-involved in your children's lives?
•
Are you overly sensitive if one of your children is angry or
distant? Do you find yourself trying to pacify your children
rather than set appropriate limits in order to avoid their rejection?
•
Did you choose to have children to share the fullness of your
love or did you have children in the hopes of getting love from
them?
If you answered
"yes" to one or more of these, then there is a good
possibility that you are using your children addictively. If this
is the case, the best thing you can do for you and your children
is to move yourself toward a solid spiritual practice, look for
meaningful ways of expressing your talents and develop emotional
connection and support from other adults.
© Margaret
Paul
Margaret Paul,
Ph.D., is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books,
including Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?,
Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By My Kids?, Healing
Your Aloneness, Inner Bonding and Do I Have
To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God? Visit her web site for
a free Inner Bonding course at InnerBonding.com
or margaret@innerbonding.com.
