My Kids Are Driving Me Crazy!
By Mark Brandenburg
When I conduct parent workshops,
I see the same issues coming up over and over for parents. The
names and faces are different, but the issues are the same. And
the truth is that parents are often responsible for many of these
problems.
Here are three issues that keep
coming up for parents and an explanation of how you can often
solve your own problems.
Problem #1: My kids don't
listen to me!
To expect that kids will listen to you perfectly all the time
is an irrational thought. Kids are in a very different place than
adults are in terms of their ability to listen and attend to things.
Kids will often need you to repeat things a number of times in
a patient, pleasant tone. And yes, your job is to be very patient
with them.
It is often the "parental"
tone of parents' voices that is part of the problem with kids
not listening. After all, who wants to be lectured about what
to do all day? If things still don't work, take action. Kids will
respond to action much better than they will to words.
Problem #2: My kids aren't
respectful. They talk back and argue too much.
One of the problems with not focusing on having obedient kids
anymore is that kids feel more freedom to speak their mind. This
can be irritating, but it's far better than having obedient kids
who just do what they're told.
If your child talks to you in a
disrespectful way, you have choices. One choice is to be angry
with them and to actually create more of the very behavior that
you dislike. Getting angry when your child talks back to you is
a great example of creating your own problems.
A better choice is to ask them
what's bothering them in a compassionate way. Kids will often
take out their feelings on someone who they feel safe with: you!
And remember that you can tell them in a calm and firm manner
that it's not OK to talk to you that way.
Arguing is a choice for parents.
It still takes two to tango. Most parents who complain about their
kids arguing are pretty good at it themselves. You may disagree
often with your kids, but arguments can usually be avoided if
parents can stay disciplined.
Problem #3: My kids aren't
achieving as well as they should.
Whether it’s
tying their shoes, getting better grades or succeeding at sports,
parents will always be worried about how well their kids are doing
compared to other kids.
While there certainly are situations
that require extra help and support, most of the extreme concern
about your child's development is a problem in itself. When parents
worry about their child's capability, it sends a powerful message
to the child. Remember that Einstein and Edison were poor students!
The responsibility of parents is
to believe in their child's ability to succeed and to set high
expectations for them. The rest is to be patient and to be aware
of your own insecurities. It is these insecurities that may be
part of the reason your child isn't doing well.
While it's easy to point fingers
at your kids, remember the old saying: "The apple doesn't
fall far from the tree." Parents who attend to their own
issues first will find far fewer "rotten apples" in
their tree.
© Mark Brandenburg
Mark Brandenburg, MA, CPCC, CSC,
is an author, speaker and certified relationship coach. He has
worked with individuals, teams and families to improve their lives
for more than 20 years.
He is the author of a number of books for men, including 25
Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent Fathers. Mark
coaches parents from around the country through weekly telephone
coaching sessions on balancing their lives and improving their
parenting. He runs workshops and gives presentations for fathers
and for parents that are enthusiastically received, as well as
teleclasses for parents at MarkBrandenburg.com.
