Who’s Sleeping in My Bed?
By Kelley Shirazi
How
can you expect to hold onto them in life if you begin by pushing
them away? -- Verna Mae Sloan, Appalachian mother
and grandmother
This generation of mothers labors under (the) dubious pronouncement
that babies sleep best in isolation. Every infant knows better.
His protest at nocturnal solitude contains the wisdom of millennia.
--Thomas Lewis, M.D., A General Theory of Love
Infant and child sleep theories
are among the most controversial subjects new parents face. In
Western culture, it’s widely taught to “sleep teach”
your children by placing them in a separate bed and even a separate
room, so that they’ll learn to sleep on their own.
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Let’s look at the Western
cultural paradigm that teaches child/parent separation. What is
the current condition of the “nuclear family”? Before
the West was industrialized, way back in the beginnings of human
culture we lived communally, in a collectivistic manner (in which
the needs of the group are considered to be more important than
the needs of the individual). Interdependence was tantamount to
survival, and we were surrounded by extended family and community.
It wasn’t until about 200
years ago that a few cultures began to construct dwellings with
more than one room. The majority of people around the world today
still live in one-room dwellings where all activities take place.1
It is important to note that the West stands out in its treatment
of children during sleep, with the United States specifically
being the only society in which babies and children are consistently
put to sleep in their own beds and in separate rooms.2
Why is there such an emphasis on
individuation in the United States? That can be a complicated
question, taking into account everything from capitalism to the
breakup of extended families and the advent of single-family dwellings.
There is a strong emphasis on convenience
in American culture. Let’s face it, we’re a fast food
society. We want everything quick and easy -- and frankly, children
are not convenient, nor are they meant to be. Americans also have
a hard time differentiating between need and habit, with the notion
of a “bad” habit being all things ultimately inconvenient.
Distinguishing need from
habit
It
is not in the nature of nature to provide organisms with biological
tendencies unless such tendencies have survival value.
-- Lee Salk
The wants of a well-adjusted human
being are his needs. It is when those needs are not fulfilled
that his wants become excessive and overbearing.3
In addition to our basic physical needs, we all have the need
to be touched and loved.4
The emphasis here goes back again
to a fundamental tenet of attachment parenting: attunement (see
The Science of Attachment). An attuned child is going to be
a well-adjusted child. A well-adjusted child is one whose needs
are honored and respected. If a child wants to sleep with his
parents or siblings, he needs to sleep with them. If these needs
are denied, the child is not being treated with respect. He’s
being treated as an inconvenience.
From a biological point of view,
we need to remember that infants need constant attention and care,
since they are unable to take care of themselves. Unlike other
mammals, they cannot regulate their body temperature, move around
on their own or feed themselves.
It is this helplessness that forms
part of the basis for sleep sharing. Sleep is controlled by the
primitive brain stem, requiring messages to be sent from the brain
to the heart, lungs, diaphragm, ribs and hormone-producing organs.5
In sleep, adults shift through periods of controlled neocortical-driven
breaths. While adults can manage these shifts in breathing, infants
(with their neurologically immature brains) cannot manage these
transitions so easily. Sleeping next to a parent, an infant is
able to essentially mirror that parent’s sleep transitions,
including breathing changes that are entwined through various
levels of sleep.6 These
facts lead to the assumption that it’s both natural to co-sleep
with an infant as well as actually safer, in that it helps teach
an infant how to sleep and breathe on his own.
Trust in what works for
you and your child
There’s very little support or encouragement for parents
who want to trust their children. We are told when feed them solids,
when to potty train them, when to wean them. Western parents are
encouraged to create a nighttime ritual to get their babies and
children to sleep, with lullabies, a bath, a bottle, a story.
Conversely, sleep sharing allows
children to truly fall asleep on their own, providing them with
the comfort and security they need to feel safe at night without
all the props used in sleep teaching. And if we learn to trust
our children, we may find that they make these transitions on
their own, when they are ready.
1, 2, 5, 6
“Sleep with Me: A Trans-cultural Look at the Power—and
Protection—of Sharing a Bed,” Mothering magazine,
Issue 91, November/December 1998; excerpted from “Our Babies,
Ourselves,” Meredith F. Small (Anchor Books, 1998)
3 “Need vs. Habit,” Tine
Thevenin, The Natural Child Project.
4 “Touching,” Ashley
Montagu (Columbia University Press, 1971), p. 289
Kelley Shirazi’s
interest in natural health and nutrition started in college, when
she studied herbology and holistic health along with her women’s
studies major. After graduation,
she created Oceana Botanical Herbal Products, a line of petrochemical-
and alcohol-free personal care and baby care products. A
passionate advocate of organic, hormone-free foods, Kelley is
currently studying toward her master’s of science degree
in holistic nutrition. She lives in Oregon with her husband and
daughter.
