Discuss! at Natural Family Online transcript:
Falling Off the AP Wagon
Lisa P.
Posted: Fri Mar 12, 2004 12:10 am Post subject: Falling off the
wagon
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Have you ever fallen off the AP/natural wagon? Have you suddenly
found yourself parenting in a more detached manner or living in
less healthy, more mainstream ways than you really intend to do?
Have your good intentions gotten lost in the hustle and bustle
of American llife?
Why do you think this happens?
What are some of the danger zones? What about warning signs?
Let's talk!
amnesiac
Posted: Fri Mar 12, 2004
8:16 am Post subject:
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You mean like last weekend when I suddenly had the urge to go
get Taco Bell for dinner?
Yes, I do stuff like that all the time. And for the most part,
I don't even feel bad about it either. It mostly happens for me
on the weekend. By then I'm tired, I don't want to cook, everyone's
home & I feel a little smothered sometimes.
Lisa P.
Posted: Fri Mar 12, 2004
9:24 am Post subject:
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Heh, Taco Bell. Gotta love it.
I think things like that are more
a question of your chosen balance. While plenty of families go
all the way with particular eating styles, for instance, there
are plenty of in-betweeners who strive to eat whole, organic,
healthy foods most of the time in order to give them the leeway
to "live a little." You'll probably find a lot of those
families here at NFO ... we're a spot for "midstreamers"
who live at some degree back toward mainstream along the line
from crunchy-granola natural.
The kind of "falling off the
wagon" that bothers me is the more serious kind where families
lose their parenting focus altogether. For instance, mothers who
have worked so hard on APing their babies who lose sight of their
philosophies completely once the toddler/preschool years hit and
their little one's needs seem less intense or less manageable
by the classic AP baby strategies (babywearing, nursing, cosleeping,
etc.). In our local AP/natural parenting group, I see this happen
all the time -- one-time dedicated AP mama/baby pairs drop out
of sight, finding themselves with no time and interest in AP and
natural parenting after being swept up in the daycare/structured
activity whirl. They've not only lost sight of the philosophies
and practices they valued so much during the baby years, but they've
lost sight of how to balance them with mainstream life and how
to implement AP and natural parenting beyond the early years.
Anyone struggling with this?
amnesiac
Posted: Fri Mar 12, 2004
9:43 am Post subject:
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IKWYM. It is especially challenging if you have an older child
& you are a parent that needs to return to work so the child
is in out-of-home care or if your child is schooled outside the
home. Adapting your definition of "AP" or "natural
parenting" when the child is not in close physical proximity
is what seems to me to be a big hurdle for a lot of families.
I think it was easier for me because when my boys were little,
I had never heard of AP or any other approaches so I really didn't
think much about my philosophy. I just did what worked.
Lisa P.
Posted: Fri Mar 12, 2004
3:35 pm Post subject:
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Exactly. And most families I know who are faced with that challenge
just give up and go with the flow -- rationalizing all the way.
I find that a lot of it gets shuffled under the "I need to
find/express/be myself" rug. Others, though, simply seem
to be at a loss for how to keep their families together in contrast
to a never-ending stream of school and work and extracurricular
activities. Or they fall back on "convenience" items
more and more frequently until they're back to using substitutes
full time (diapers, formula, daily care providers, what/how many
TV/videos are allowed ... things they had worked so hard to remove
from their family lifestyles up to that point).
Homeschooling and self-employment
for me has helped my family preserve our time and relationships
to a large extent. Most of the families in the HS group we belong
to consider HSing yet another facet of their family lifestyle
(rather than solely a response to particular educational, developmental
or social needs). I feel very lucky to have found a group of people
who manage to continue living the values they established when
their children were young, and I greatly admire those who are
persisting well into the teen years. These families are fonts
of wisdom and experience!
What are some of your "anti-wagon-hopping"
solutions?
amnesiac
Posted: Fri Mar 12, 2004
3:48 pm Post subject:
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Even during the times when my kids went to daycare or school,
I think the most important thing is to stay involved. Just because
the kids aren't with you doesn't mean you give up authority over
what happens to them. Too often parents feel like they don't have
a say anymore once kids enter those settings & that's just
not true. It has to be a partnership among everyone involved--
one in which the parent authorizes what happens. Along the lines
of staying involved, IMO it's important to take time out at the
end of the day & really talk to the child about what happened
that day & how they felt about the events. They still need
our guidance & they need to know that we're backing them up
even though we're not standing right there. That emotional security
is very empowering for a child.
Lisa P.
Posted: Wed Mar 17, 2004
9:59 am Post subject:
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Here's an odd observation about being tempted to slide off the
wagon:
I find that living a more home-based,
family-oriented lifestyle can put me in the odd position of looking
like an old-fashioned, authoritarian meanie to outsiders. Because
we homeschool, we combine lots of time spent at home with an equal
amount of mad scrambling to make it to all our various groups
and activities. We work as a team to make this happen -- everyone
does his or her own part. The two-year-old sets that table, the
10-year-old clears it. Big kids do their own laundry ... and so
on. In this day and age, I'm often looked at with utter amazement
over "making my kids do all that." I guess there are
lots of families out there who don't spend enough time at home
that their kids even know where to find a cloth to wipe up their
own messes with!
This attitude does affect me periodically
when it builds up enough that I begin to question whether or not
I *am* being a big meanie. It's like everything else -- when you
do things differently, you have to be strong in your convictions
to stand up under cultural pressure. I just have to remove the
emotional component ("No, I'm not being unrealistic and no,
I'm not a big meanie") and remember why we do things the
way we do. It's such a boost when my kids tell me and show me
how proud they are to be self-sufficient. It really is worth the
effort!
amnesiac
Posted: Wed Mar 17, 2004
10:08 am Post subject:
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That is so right on! I have always told my kids that they are
expected to contribute to the functioning of our household community.
That means that they are indeed expected to help out with certain
chores. They are expected to clean & vacuum their side of
the house (minus the actual scrubbing of the bathroom), they are
expected to put away their own laundry, they are expected to collect
their linens, they are expected to help clean up the dinner mess.
My mother always said that she would be doing us a disservice
if she didn't teach us how to take care of basic self-care like
laundry. That's the same philosophy I've tried to follow.
Back to top
TBallad
Posted: Wed Mar 17, 2004
11:21 am Post subject:
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Lisa P. wrote:
I just have to remove the emotional component ("No, I'm not
being unrealistic and no, I'm not a big meanie") and remember
why we do things the way we do.
I always find it so amusing, on one hand a lot of people think
I'm too strict with our 2 year old because we require him to say
"Please" and "Thank You," pick up his own
toys at the end of the day, and behave himself appropriately in
adult situations - restaurants, Church, etc. Then on the other
hand, we've had perfect strangers come up to us in public and
comment on what a well-behaved little boy he is.
My take on the "meanie"
aspect is, I'm ok with some people thinking I'm a meanie. (I've
been called worse!) It's all about results - we didn't become
parents in order to be our kids buddies (that's what they have
other kids for), but to help them grow up to be better than society
expects them to be. If that means being different, I don't see
that as such a bad thing. Besides - what a great support community
we've got, all us oddballs!
analisa_roche
Posted: Fri Apr 09, 2004
12:30 pm Post subject:
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Lisa P. wrote:
mothers who have worked so hard on APing their babies who lose
sight of their philosophies completely once the toddler/preschool
years hit and their little one's needs seem less intense or less
manageable by the classic AP baby strategies (babywearing, nursing,
cosleeping, etc.).
Anyone struggling with this?
I'm struggling with it big-time, but not exactly b/c of "busy-ness".
I just can't give Meg everything I used to with two new babies
around. I hate it, I feel like I'm neglecting her. I put her in
Montessori in the mornings b/c I felt so much like I was ignoring
her needs and they could meet them better.
Lisa P.
Posted: Fri Apr 09, 2004 4:15 pm Post subject:
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Analisa, do you know how I know that it's not as bad as you think?
The Continuum Concept
amnesiac
Posted: Fri Apr 09, 2004
6:16 pm Post subject:
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That's the reason my boys go to school-- because their needs are
better met there that I feel they would be at home. I don't think
that has to reflect negatively on me either. I'm glad it's available
for them & that they are so happy there.
analisa_roche
Posted: Sat Apr 10, 2004
1:47 pm Post subject:
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Lisa, I have read the CC (thanks to LLL Lewisville's library)
but I don't see how it applies...
Lisa P.
Posted: Sat Apr 10, 2004
8:53 pm Post subject:
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analisa_roche wrote:
I just can't give Meg everything I used to with two new babies
around.
According to CC, that's only natural. What the Continuum Concept
emphasizes is that it is natural for young children to get what
they need from being with adults in the course of our daily lives.
It's not necessary to spend time exclusively focused on children,
"enriching" them. CC says that parenting is about being
responsive to children's immediate needs for comfort and contact
within a context of daily life and adult interactions and business.
When you plug that concept into
the reality of a growing family, what you get is ... well, just
normal family life. By CC standards, it's not really normal or
natural to have a mother at home devoting all her time and energy
to one child. It *is* normal to have broader support from extended
family and immediate neighbors and friends, and it *is* normal
to have siblings who share the primary caregiver's focus.
From a CC perspective, then, the
thing to remember as the family grows is that you aren't so much
losing the ability to give the first child what she needs as you
are shifting from an environment that was artificially child-centered
toward one that is more naturally family- (i.e. group-, other-
and even adult-) centered.
... So my point with bringing up
CC being that it's not that you personally are not able to continue
meeting your first child's needs anymore and are "falling
off the AP wagon" -- it's that you're now in a position where
constant, one-on-one attention isn't possible or even desirable
anymore. You're not losing AP practices by broadening the focus
on the family; you're simply coming into a more natural rhythm
of taking multiple needs into consideration. In my mind (if in
none others' ), that's not "falling off the AP wagon"
at all!
analisa_roche
Posted: Wed Apr 14, 2004
5:13 pm Post subject:
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So the part that's missing (no big surprise here) is the extended
community that helps me meet their needs. I was just reading in
Byron Child magazine about how Attachment Parenting might better
be termed Community Parenting b/c of that whole "it takes
a village" thing.
Thanks for the reminder, I understand
now. Don't think I've fully processed the book, there's an awful
lot in it!
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