Raising Emotionally Intelligent Sons
By Mark Brandenburg
"Mommy, I fell down,"
said the 5-year-old to his mother during a recent soccer practice.
"Were you tough?" asked his mom. "Yeah," he
said and walked away with his head down.
I was at this soccer practice with
my daughter, and feeling just a bit out of place as the only dad
there. When I heard this exchange, it reminded me of the ways
we can blindly follow the "old school" concerning how
we raise boys. The old school says that boys should be tough,
independent and reject feelings of being weak or fearful. When
I heard this mother ask her son if he was tough, I wanted to say,
" All he wants is for you to ask if he's ok!"
Rough and tough
What does raising "tough and independent" boys create?
Men generally haven't received
the training in "emotional intelligence" that women
have. They have a harder time identifying their own feelings as
well as the feelings of others. They have been trained from an
early age to learn that being tough is more important than showing
feelings.
When you employ the old school
of raising tough and independent boys, you damage boys' ability
to feel closely connected to others and their ability to have
awareness of their own feelings. Boys learn to swallow feelings
of inadequacy or weakness.
The problem with swallowing these
feelings is that it impacts their ability to access other feelings
as well. Emotionally intelligent people have access to all of
their feelings, not just the ones that are pleasant for them.
The result of swallowing these feelings may be fathers and men
who are "successful" (who make a lot of money) but who
are not in touch with their own feelings and have difficulty in
nurturing themselves or their children. They may tend to have
tremendous difficulty in developing successful relationships with
their loved ones.
Most of the men walking around
today report they either don't remember being hugged by their
fathers or have never heard their father say "I love you"
to them. It's easy to see why men often struggle in this area.
Falling into the trap of the old school for boys is easy because
it's been the standard for fathers for a very long time.
A question of balance
It is entirely normal and natural for fathers to have conflicting
thoughts about this subject. There will probably be a part of
you that wants your son to be tough enough to handle a tough,
competitive world. There may be another part of you that doesn't
want your son to divorce three wives -- each of whom he blames
for the failed marriage -- and buy a red sports car and hang out
at singles bars at age 50.
Remember that the world is not
only moving towards more technological sophistication but emotional
sophistication as well. Those who fully succeed in their lives
in this generation will be the people who are able to identify
their own feelings as well as the feelings of others.
Here are some ideas on how you
can help your own son with this task.
Examine your own ideas and practices concerning how you raise
your son. Do you allow him to express his full range of feelings,
or do you push him away emotionally if he's showing sadness, weakness,
vulnerability, etc?
Practice, practice, practice. Catch yourself when you're in the
old patterns. Try saying more things like, "That must have
been hard for you" or "Boy, I understand how foolish
you must have felt." (These work on wives, too).
Occasionally share feelings with your son in an age-appropriate
way. This will encourage him to feel safe enough to share his
feelings with you. Don't be afraid to tell your son that you were
afraid at times as a child and that you still get scared today.
Be involved in your son's life enough to know who else might be
enforcing the "old school." That could include teachers,
coaches, day-care providers, other family members, and so on.
Since the old school is all around us, have the courage to step
in and make change happen even though you'll be judged by others
("You're gonna end up with a wimpy mama's boy!").
Show physical affection to your son. Hugs, kisses, wrestling --
whatever you can muster. There is a great deal of research which
shows that boys who receive this from their fathers are happier,
healthier, smarter, etc. Show your son that you can hug or put
your arm around other men as well to demonstrate your affection.
Are you squirming? You're a good candidate for this one.
Help him to identify and name his own emotions as well as the
emotions of others. You can do this by asking him questions like,"
Were you feeling angry when you struck out?”
Try to judge people less and empathize more. He'll learn these
skills from you.
Let's help to create a world in
which boys are able to be both sensitive and strong. Let's teach
them to be both fierce and gentle and to be aware of their own
feelings as well as the feelings of others. This is only possible
if we give up the notion of the tough and independent boy, which
has done so much damage to the development of strong, sensitive
and nurturing men.
We owe this one to our sons and
to the world.
Mark Brandenburg,
MA, CPCC, CSC, is an author, speaker and certified relationship
coach. He has worked with individuals, teams and families to improve
their lives for more than 20 years.
He is the author of a number of books for men, including 25
Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent Fathers. Mark
coaches parents from around the country through weekly telephone
coaching sessions on balancing their lives and improving their
parenting. He runs workshops and gives presentations for fathers
and for parents that are enthusiastically received, as well as
teleclasses for parents at MarkBrandenburg.com.
