Raising
Strong Daughters
By Mark Brandenburg
When my daughter was born, I must
admit there was a distinctly different feeling to it compared
to the birth of my son. Part of me was thrilled, but part of me
was unsure of how to deal with a gender that I still couldn't
quite understand.
When my son was born, there was
a clear sense that this was territory that I knew: there will
be wrestling, playing ball together, playing with cars -- and
he has a penis! There was a sense of security from all of this
and a deep sense of knowing.
Raising a daughter creates different
issues for many fathers; it's even more challenging considering
the cultural landscape that exists today. To better understand
these issues, it's helpful to explore the expectations of girls
that we have as fathers, many of which may be expectations handed
down from our own fathers.
Cultural expectations
Some men feel a strong need to control their daughters, and expect
them to act "nice" at all times. Others shower their
daughters with all of the gifts and things that they'll ever need,
seeing them as weaker than boys and therefore not encouraging
strength and discipline in them.
It's easy for fathers to treat
their sons and daughters differently. They can be rough-and-tumble
with their sons but treat their daughters with kid gloves. This
opportunity to wrestle or to play physically with your daughters
is extremely important, because it shows them that you believe
they're capable enough to handle it. (If your daughter is 18,
it's probably not a good idea to start now.)
The cultural messages we get are
that girls and young women are valued for being beautiful, thin,
talented, etc. Girls should also be happy, agreeable and eager
to please. This cultural backdrop may be partly responsible for
the alarming statistics concerning rates of depression, anorexia,
bulimia and other disorders for girls when they are approaching
or have entered their teen years.
Overcoming the barriers
So how can fathers overcome some of these barriers and help create
daughters who become strong, secure women?
If fathers want their daughters
to grow up to be strong and secure women, it is absolutely essential
that they like women and that they respect them. No matter how
negative and pervasive the cultural messages are, your daughter's
self-esteem is greatly impacted by your attitude. If fathers think
that women are weaker and need protection, they will tend to raise
daughters who are weak and dependent.
To a significant degree, your daughter's
success in life and in love is in your hands.
As fathers go through the process
of raising daughters, they may have to question everything they
thought they knew about the sexes and the difference between men
and women.
How is it that you learn about
these things? You learn by allowing your daughters to teach you
about them every day. You learn by not attempting to control or
protect your daughters. You learn by opening up your hearts and
not having the answers all of the time for your daughters (or
your sons).
If you can allow your daughters
to enjoy being female as much as you enjoy being male, you've
taken a big first step. If you can also allow your daughter to
make most of her own decisions, you will probably enjoy a great
relationship with her. You will also know a lot more about women
than you did before.
Ways you can help
Here are some action points for fathers with their daughters.
Fully explore your expectations for your daughter. See where you
may be too controlling in her life or are overly protecting her.
Create special times with your daughter each week, one on one,
when you can ask her questions about her life and become more
fully aware of who she is. Make this time sacred and let her know
it's important to you.
Expect your daughter to be strong and competent; she'll know that
you do and will respond accordingly.
If your daughter is a teenager or close to it, explore your attitude
about your daughter's sexuality; many fathers are uncomfortable
with this and leave their daughters emotionally when they need
them the most.
Be a great model for how men treat women in your relationship
with your wife.
Talk to other fathers who have had daughters and find out how
they have dealt with the challenges of raising a daughter.
Your daughter is depending on your
healthy attitude to help her to navigate a culture that is not
always positive for girls. Take a step back and examine your view
towards women and girls. Are there changes you want to make? Your
daughter will help you to make those changes, if you'll just listen.
© Mark Brandenburg.
Mark Brandenburg,
MA, CPCC, CSC, is an author, speaker and certified relationship
coach. He has worked with individuals, teams and families to improve
their lives for more than 20 years.
He is the author of a number of books for men, including 25
Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent Fathers. Mark
coaches parents from around the country through weekly telephone
coaching sessions on balancing their lives and improving their
parenting. He runs workshops and gives presentations for fathers
and for parents that are enthusiastically received, as well as
teleclasses for parents at MarkBrandenburg.com.
