Top Ten Ways to Raise Emotionally Intelligent
Kids
By Mark Brandenburg
Having a high level of emotional
intelligence in your children is the best way to ensure that they
live a happy, successful and responsible life as an adult. Here
are ten ways to help your kids attain a high degree of emotional
intelligence:
1. Model emotional intelligence
yourself.
Yes, your kids are watching very closely. They see how you respond
to frustration, they see how resilient you are and they see whether
you're aware of your own feelings and the feelings of others.
2. Be willing to say "no"
to your kids.
There's a lot of stuff out there for kids, and your kids will
ask for a lot of it. Saying no will give your kids an opportunity
to deal with disappointment and to learn impulse control. To a
certain degree, your job as a parent is to allow your kids to
be frustrated and to work through it. Kids who always get what
they want typically aren't very happy.
3. Be aware of your parental
"hotspots."
Know what your issues are -- what makes you come unglued, and
what's this really about? Is it not being in control? Not being
respected? Underneath these issues lies a fear about something.
Get to know what your fear is, so you're less likely to come unglued
when you're with your kids. Knowing your issues doesn't make them
go away -- it just makes it easier to plan for and to deal with.
4. Practice and hone your
skills at being non-judgmental.
Start labeling feelings and avoid name-calling. Say, "He
seems angry," rather than "What a jerk." When your
kids are whiny or crying, saying things like, "You seem sad,"
will always be better than just asking them to stop. Depriving
kids of the feelings they're experiencing will only drive them
underground and make them stronger.
5. Start coaching your
kids.
When kids are beyond the toddler years, you can start coaching
them to help them to be more responsible. Instead of "Get
your hat and gloves," you can ask, "What do you need
to be ready for school?" Constantly telling your kids what
to do does not help them to develop confidence and responsibility.
6. Always be willing to
be part of the problem.
See yourself as having something to do with every problem that
comes along. Most problems in families get bigger when parents
respond to them in a way that exacerbates the problem. If your
child makes a mistake, remember how crucial it is for you to have
a calm, reasoned response.
7. Get your kids involved
in household duties at an early age.
Research suggests that kids who are involved in household chores
from an early age tend to be happier and more successful. Why?
From an early age, they're made to feel they are an important
part of the family. Kids want to belong and to feel like they're
valuable.
8. Limit your kids access
to mass media mania.
Young kids need to play, not spend time in front of a screen.
To develop creativity and problem-solving skills, allow your kids
time to use free play. Much of the mass media market can teach
your kids about consumerism, sarcasm and violence. What your kids
learn from you and from free play with others will provide the
seeds for future emotional intelligence.
9. Talk about feelings
as a family.
State your emotional goals as a family. These might be no yelling,
no name-calling, be respectful at all times, etc. Families that
talk about their goals are more likely to be aware of them and
to achieve them. As the parent, you then have to "walk the
talk."
10. See your kids as wonderful.
There is no greater way to create emotional intelligence in your
child than to see them as wonderful and capable. One law of the
universe is, "What you think about expands." If you
see your child and think about them as wonderful, you'll get a
lot of "wonderful." If you think about your child as
a problem, you'll get a lot of problems.
Having a high IQ is nice, but having
a high "EQ" is even better. Make these 10 ideas daily
habits and you'll give your kids the best chance possible to be
happy, productive and responsible adults.
© Mark Brandenburg
Mark Brandenburg, MA, CPCC, CSC,
is an author, speaker and certified relationship coach. He has
worked with individuals, teams and families to improve their lives
for more than 20 years.
He is the author of a number of books for men, including 25
Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent Fathers. Mark
coaches parents from around the country through weekly telephone
coaching sessions on balancing their lives and improving their
parenting. He runs workshops and gives presentations for fathers
and for parents that are enthusiastically received, as well as
teleclasses for parents at MarkBrandenburg.com.
