Find Your Child’s Personal Style
By Caron B. Goode
Every morning, six-year-old Josh
and his mom clash at breakfast just as Mom is ready to walk out
the door. A daydreamer by nature, Josh moves through life at a
slower pace than his task-oriented mom, who values organization.
Their distinct ways of relating to the world reveal their obviously
different personal styles.
A “personal style”
is a natural predisposition toward time, stress, people, tasks
and situations. Understanding a child’s style enables parents,
caregivers and teachers to interact more effectively and get results.
Researcher Terry Anderson, Ph.D., notes four style categories:
behavioral, cognitive, interpersonal and affective.
When parents can communicate and
interact in ways that fit their children’s unique styles,
there is harmony in the home. Both parents and children develop
confidence and self-esteem.
A constant through life
Personal style is only one of six factors that make up personality;
it’s a foundation for one’s preferences, reactions
and values. It remains a constant throughout life. The chart below
provides an easy way to “picture” the differences
in the four styles, followed by brief descriptions and suggestions
for interacting with your children.
| Style Name: |
Preference for: |
Limited with: |
Best Learns: |
Behavioral
Cognitive
Interpersonal
Affective
|
Tasks/things
Data/information
People/social
Ideas/creativity |
People/social
Tasks/things
Ideas/creativity
Data/numbers |
Independently
Visually
Aurally
Experientially |
Source: Robinson,
Everett, T., Why Aren’t You More Like Me? Styles
& Skills for Leading and Living with Credibility,
Seattle: Consulting Resource Group International, Inc.
1997, p. 30.
|
Your behavioral-focused
child
Behaviorally focused children need freedom and self-expression;
they enjoy structure but not controls. They prefer to learn by
themselves rather in a group. They look to real-life examples
rather than abstract thinking or discussions. Rising to their
challenges as problem-solvers, they’re often bold, willful,
productive, competitive, unemotional and self-reliant. They like
to be leaders and recognized for their achievements. When they
feel a parent’s incongruence, they question authority. These
children rarely talk about their problems or emotions. Instead,
they set goals and take the necessary actions to reach them.
These children need a no-blame,
non-emotional approach. Be fair, open, logical, honest and direct.
To get tasks done, give them the task, state the benefit or reward
and ask them when and how they can do it. Don’t stand over
them or try to direct their activities. Instead, set the structure
for this child and expect it to be done without having to explain
the “why” of it. If you’re an emotional or touchy-feely
parent, don’t take it personally if this child doesn’t
respond in kind.
The cognitive child
Cognitively oriented children need affirmation and understanding.
They take instruction well, admiring expertise and knowledge.
Yet they are deep thinkers and like to examine issues and relationships.
Respectful of others, they appreciate respect in return. They
value intimacy and good relationships. They work well with data,
are organized and can be perfectionists. Because their talents
lie in numbers and mathematics, they often spend hours at their
computers.
Heart-to-heart appreciation and
respect work best. State facts calmly (“You didn’t
clean your room today.”) rather than argue or make generalities
(“You never clean your room.”). Because cognitive
children prefer not to compete and might not respond to rewards
or games, lay out activities and then provide time and freedom
for children to complete them. Make only constructive suggestions.
As perfectionists, they’ll criticize themselves enough without
a parent’s help.
The interpersonal approach
Interpersonally focused children need appreciation and trust.
Highly perceptive, they require honesty in communication and relationships.
They are the peacemakers in your family and will worry about you
if there are arguments or illnesses. Sometimes shy, they like
to feel included in the family. They value secure relationships
and stable environments and don’t fare well with transitions
unless prepared beforehand. These children feel disharmony deeply
and might internalize it. They’re often employed in service
businesses because they are people-focused.
Friendly conversations and clear
communications that don’t threaten or punish are advised.
These children listen well. Model behavior for them, as they’ll
hear and watch you. Solve problems together, each contributing
to the solution. Present tasks so that success can be measured
easily before progressing to graduated stages of difficulty. Don’t
present the hardest problem first, or children may feel overwhelmed
and won’t finish it. Appreciate these children often, and
they will feel great about themselves.
The affective child
Like Josh, these children are highly creative and artistic; later
in life, they’re called visionaries or dreamers. They need
to feel through things before making decisions. They easily live
in the world of ideas as a writer does or find other expressive
outlets like organizing games around friends. They enjoy variety
and get bored easily. They crave acknowledgement for their creativity.
They want to be the center of attention. They value friendships
and easily enjoy life. They learn by doing.
Give these children affection,
touch, conversation and personal attention. Share stories about
life, and look at photo albums. Engage them in group activities;
they’ll rise to challenges when presented with excitement
and fun. These children love outings, family vacations and new
experiences. Allow them to be creative, offer structure and discipline
positively and enthusiastically. Encourage them in projects involving
drama, theater, group activities, peer counseling and selling
for fund raising. Good luck asking these kids to take out the
garbage!
So how can Josh’s mom communicate
better with her affective-style son? Applying her organization
skills, she can develop a colored chart showing scheduled times
for Josh’s activities. She sets a clown-face timer for 20
minutes, the amount of time it takes to share breakfast. When
the buzzer sounds, she gets Josh to move by gently touching his
arm. That urges him to get ready before leaving for school.
© Caron B. Goode
NFO Attachment Parenting
Editor Caron B. Goode, Ed.D., is a parenting expert who speaks
and writes about how parents can nurture their children’s
gift. Go to Inspired
Parenting to find out your parenting style, order Nurture
Your Child’s Gift: Inspired Parenting and sign
up for the online parenting magazine.
