Communicate With Your Teen
By Brenda Nixon
Teen: “Why are you mad?”
Parent: “I’m not mad.”
Teen: “Yes you are!”
Parent: “No I’m not.”
Teen: “You look mad to me.”
Does this sound familiar? Do squabbles
with your teen begin like this or get off track with these accusations?
There are many reasons parents and teens argue, but consider this:
sometimes it’s because adolescents don’t “read”
facial cues correctly. Often teens translate a parent’s
worried or panic expression as anger. Then they respond to what
they perceive as anger.
Deborah Yurgelun-Todd, director of neuropsychology and cognitive
neuroimaging at McLean Hospital in Belmont, Massachusetts, suggests
that the teen brain actually works differently than an adult’s
when processing emotional information from external stimuli. In
her landmark study mapping the differences between the brains
of adults and teens, Dr. Todd put volunteers through a magnetic
resonance imaging (MRI) machine and monitored how their brains
responded to a series of pictures. The volunteers were asked to
discern an emotion based on the facial expression in a series
of faces.
All adult volunteers correctly identified the emotions. However,
many of the teenagers misunderstood the emotions. When Dr. Todd
examined the brain scans, she found her teen volunteers utilized
a different part of their brain when looking at the facial expressions.
Teens see things differently
In terms of communication, adults can look at fearful faces and
correctly identify them as such. But teens don’t see them
the same way. This means your daughter probably reads your intended
expressions differently than you, and she’s responding based
on her perception. Carol Maxym, Ph.D., author of Teens
in Turmoil writes, “One of the most common problems
that parents and teens experience is a gulf in understanding.”
When you sense the tension
rising
• Talk in a quieter voice. Adolescents can easily misinterpret
your facial expression and rising volume as “being mad.”
A lowered voice may help teens accurately identify your true emotion.
With my daughters, I found that lowering my voice eased some tension.
• Teach teens. If you’re annoyed, say so, and if you’re
feeling panic, identify that too. Naming your emotions will help
teens learn about you and to identify their feelings too.
• Be there for them. Teens must know you’re always
available to listen, support and give advice — but this
doesn’t mean you’ll try to run their life.
• Have a sense of humor. Teens are like toddlers in big
bodies. You don’t need to excuse their behavior but don’t
expect them to act like adults. They are not.
Sometimes applying brain research
to parenting can help us better communicate with teens. Perhaps
next time you confront your teen the dialogue might go like this:
Teen: “Why are you mad?”
Parent: “This isn’t anger; this is fear.”
Teen: “Why are you afraid?”
Parent: “Because I love you and I sometimes fear for
your safety. Love has many expressions.”
For more information and insight,
read the interview with Dr. Todd at Frontline: “Inside
the Teen Brain”
© Brenda Nixon
Brenda
Nixon is a writer, speaker and educator on child development and guidance.
She is the author of Parenting
Power in the Early Years, focusing on raising a child
from birth to age 5. Brenda lives in Ohio with her husband, two
daughters, a miniature dachshund and a fat cat.
