What
Do You Do When Your Kid is “Acting Up”?
By Mark Brandenburg
There
were probably good reasons why men were the ones who were out
hunting big game for dinner while their wives stayed at home,
many centuries ago. One reason is that men probably threw spears
with a little better velocity. Another is that women seem a bit
more comfortable in the midst of the emotional turmoil that constitutes
family life.
Things
would be easier for fathers if they could just leave or push a
button when things got emotionally messy. The truth is that most
men don't want to deal with a lot of maintenance when it comes
to their families. If the family's been doing well in the past,
they feel it should continue to do well. They enjoy being with
their families when things are going smoothly, but they struggle
when there's emotional turmoil.
And
when there's emotional turmoil, men have a tendency to "leave"
emotionally.
Why
“checking out” is a bad idea
While staying away from the emotional episodes in the family would
make it easier on fathers, it also tends to keep your kids from
really feeling accepted by you. The message you give to your child
is clear: “I accept you — but only if you act or behave
in a certain way. If you don't behave in a way that I approve
of, I don't accept you.” (Remember that this is the interpretation
made by a child.)
Fathers
have all sorts of escapes that they can use when they're uncomfortable
with life at home, including excessive working, TV watching, golfing
or just puttering around the house. While these activities can
give fathers temporary relief, they don't do anything about the
major issue — their own ability to handle the difficult
times with their children.
How
you deal with these situations and whether you become more nurturing
in general as a father are issues that will determine whether
you have close relationships with your children. Since a high
percentage of fathers say their own fathers were emotionally absent
for them when they grew up, this is a difficult issue for many.
When you haven't been nurtured by your father, it's more difficult
to be nurturing to your children. Many fathers simply haven't
learned the skills.
Take
the good with the bad
While it's easy for fathers to show their love for their kids
when they're acting "good," problems can occur if they
don't show them they care when their behavior is below par. This
is often under the mistaken assumption that if they nurture their
children or show they care while their kids are struggling or
crying, they'll encourage more of this behavior in the future.
The
problems can happen when your kids respond by suppressing their
"bad" feelings and lose an important part of themselves.
Emotionally well rounded kids have access to all of their feelings,
not just the "good" ones.
Nurturing
fathers have learned to allow and accept all of these feelings.
This doesn't mean that you're encouraging your kids to whine or
cry. It's entirely appropriate for you to kindly ask your child
if they can talk in a different voice when they're whining. This
is quite different from leaving whenever they whine or harshly
asking them to stop. The difference is in how your child perceives
your acceptance of them while they're struggling, and this perception
is often quite accurate.
Accepting
the “whole” child
So how do you learn to be more nurturing and to be more
accepting of your "entire" child? Here are some ideas.
•
Figure out the pattern that now exists in which you're falling
short as a nurturing father. What are your triggers? How do
you react? Having enhanced awareness is always a good place
to start.
• When your kids are struggling, think in terms of what
your child needs. Notice how easily you can become critical
of your child. Consider a hug or positive attention.
• Get to know the intimate details of your child's life:
who her friends are, what she does in recess at school, her
favorite toys, etc. The more you know about her, the more likely
she'll be to share feelings with you.
• Find ways to nurture yourself. If you don't know how,
start to experiment. What is it that relaxes you and has you
feeling rejuvenated? Reading a book, time with friends or getting
a massage might work. If you don't know how to nurture yourself,
it can be difficult to know how to nurture someone else.
• Make a concrete plan for yourself. If you normally avoid
your daughter when she's whiny or crying, look for opportunities
to jump in and "be there" with her during those times
when she's not at her best. Remember it's crucial that she knows
you accept her in both good times and bad.
• Don't be surprised at the depth of the feelings that
are produced when you start to nurture. It can produce shame,
anger and sadness in fathers who haven't had much nurturing
themselves. Consistent attention to this will improve your skills
and possibly have your children wondering what happened to Dad!
Fathers
who continue to avoid their children when they're not "behaving
well" are missing out on a chance to experience real closeness
with their kids. This is a learning opportunity that's simply
disguised as a pain in the rear.
© Mark Brandenburg.
NFO regular contributor
Mark Brandenburg, MA, CPCC, is the author of 25
Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent Fathers. Sign up for
his free bi-weekly newsletter, Dads, Don't Fix Your Kids,
at MarkBrandenburg.com.
