First-Born Jealousy
By Elizabeth Pantley
Our first-born is showing extreme jealousy towards
the new baby. He’s obviously mad at us for disrupting
the predictable flow of his life with this new challenger for
our attention.
How can we smooth things out?
Think
about it. Before the baby entered your
family, your toddler was told he’d have a wonderful little brother to play with
and how much fun it would be. Then the little brother is born,
and your toddler is thinking, “Are you kidding me? This
squirming, crying, red-faced lump that takes up all your time
and attention is supposed to be fun?” He then “plays” with
the baby in the only ways he knows how. He plays catch. You yell
at him for throwing toys at the baby. He plays hide-and-seek.
You screech that he’s trying to suffocate the baby with
the blanket. He gives the kid a hug, and you explode in fury.
Is it any wonder that your toddler is confused?
Teach. Your first goal is to protect the baby;
your second, to teach your older child how to interact with
his new sibling
in proper ways. You can teach your toddler how to play with the
baby in the same way you teach him anything else. Talk to him,
demonstrate, guide and encourage. Until you feel confident that
you’ve achieved your second goal, however, do not leave
the children alone together. Yes, I know. It isn’t convenient.
But it is necessary, maybe even critical.
Hover. Whenever the children are together, “hover” close
by. If you see your child about to get rough, pick up the baby
and distract the older sibling with a song, a toy, an activity
or a snack. This action protects the baby while helping you avoid
a constant string of “no’s,” which may actually
encourage the aggressive behavior.
Teach
soft touches. Teach the older sibling how to give the
baby a back rub. Tell how this kind of touching calms the baby,
and praise the older child for a job well done. This lesson teaches
the child how to be physical with the baby in a positive way.
Act
quickly. Every time you see your child hit or act roughly
with the baby, act quickly.
Praise. Whenever you see the older child touching
the baby gently, make a positive comment. Make a big fuss about
the important “older
brother.” Hug and kiss your older child and tell him how
proud you are.
Watch
your words. Don’t blame everything on the baby. “We
can’t go to the park; the baby’s sleeping.” “Be
quiet, you’ll wake the baby.” “After I change
the baby, I’ll help you.” At this point, your child
would just as soon sell the baby. Instead, use alternate excuses. “My
hands are busy now.” “We’ll go after lunch.” “I’ll
help you in three minutes.”
Be
supportive. Acknowledge your child’s unspoken feelings,
such as “Things sure have changed with the new baby here.
It’s going to take us all some time to get used to this.” Keep
your comments mild and general. Don’t say, “I bet
you hate the new baby.” Instead, say, “It must be
hard to have Mommy spending so much time with the baby,” or “I
bet you wish we could go to the park now, and not have to wait
for the baby to wake up.” When your child knows that you
understand her feelings, she’ll have less need to act up
to get your attention.
Give
extra love. Increase your little demonstrations
of love for your child. Say extra “I love you’s,” increase
your daily dose of hugs and find time to read a book or play
a game. Temporary regressions or behavior problems are normal
and can be eased with an extra dose of time and attention.
Get ‘em involved. Teach the older sibling how to be helpful
with the baby or how to entertain the baby. Let the older sibling
open the baby gifts and use the camera to take pictures of the
baby. Teach him how to put the baby’s socks on. Let him
sprinkle the powder. Praise and encourage whenever possible.
Make
each feel special. Avoid comparing siblings, even about
seemingly innocent topics such as birth weight, when each first
crawled or walked or who had more hair! Children can interpret
these comments as criticisms.
Take
a deep breath and be calm. This is a time of adjustment
for everyone in the family. Reduce outside activities, relax
your housekeeping standards and focus on your current priority:
adjusting to your new family size.
© Elizabeth
Pantley; excerpted with permission by NTC/Contemporary Publishing
Group Inc. from Perfect Parenting, The Dictionary
of 1,000 Parenting Tips
Parenting educator Elizabeth Pantley is the author of numerous
parenting books, including the widely cited The
No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through
the
Night, Hidden Messages, The No-Cry
Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers, Kid
Cooperation, Perfect Parenting.
Buy her books at Powells.com.
She is a regular radio show guest and is quoted frequently on
the web
and in national family and women’s publications. Elizabeth
lives in Washington state with her husband, their four children
and her mother. Visit her at www.pantley.com/elizabeth.
