Family Dinner at the Table:
Reconsidering an Endangered Ritual
By Nava Atlas
According to a number of studies,
about 30 percent fewer American families eat dinner together
today than they
did 20 years ago.
Some polls paint a less dire picture: A Roper poll done in the ‘90s
indicated that slightly more than half of American families eat
together five or more times per week. Other polls paint a somewhat
less optimistic picture, showing that only about one-third eat
together regularly.
Contrast this with a report sent to the International Herald-Tribune
in early 2004 by American writer Marianne Jacobi (who lives in
Aix-en Provence, France), which asserts that 75 percent of families
eat dinner together in France today. I suspect that this number
is similar in other European and Asian cultures that value the
tradition of sharing meals.
Let’s take a page from the
global community and re-examine this simple yet sustaining
tradition.
Why eat together?
With work schedules, lessons and sports practices pulling family
members in all directions just as the day should be winding
down, it’s no wonder fewer families are finding the time
to eat together. Yet at the same time, it’s encouraging
to know that many others are making great efforts to keep this
ritual alive.
Studies have been done comparing
children and teens who have regular family dinners at home
to those who
don’t. The
results are consistent and striking. Teens from families who
eat dinner together are far less likely to use illegal drugs,
alcohol and cigarettes than teenagers who rarely eat dinner with
their parents. Another practical (if predictable) perk is that
children who have regular, at-home dinners eat meals that are
healthier and include more vegetables. In addition, children
who have regular family dinners are believed to fare better in
school.
If busy families can enjoy but
one significant daily ritual, regular dinner together at the
table may be the
top choice. Few
daily rituals offer better opportunity to connect, converse,
share, appreciate and feel nourished. Food writer Marion Cunningham
calls the family dinner “our most civilizing ritual.”
Make the table a welcoming place
Set the table and set
the tone. It takes little effort to make
your table look welcoming with dishes and utensils that you and
your family enjoy using. This may not seem like a major point,
but like the three bowls used at Buddhist monasteries, they are
an intrinsic part of the experience.
The tableware you use should be
both functional and interesting; ceramic dishes that lend an
earthy flair to
the table; jazzy
colorful plates, or vintage dishes that belonged to your grandmother.
Maybe your little ones can have their own special plates — small,
colorful dishware might help them enjoy the dinner ritual that
much more. Some families use certain dishes or a special candlestick
only when all are able to be present at the table.
Fresh flowers, a seasonal centerpiece,
colorful napkins — all
these little touches help bring attention to what is before us.
From a young age, children can set the dinner table. Give them
this responsibility early on.
Have a beginning and ending. A signal that the meal is about
to begin, such as lighting candles or reciting a blessing, helps
create a framework the experience. Teach your kids to respect
the cook by waiting to take the first bite until he or she is
seated.
As soon as it’s realistic to do so, get children into
the habit of sitting through the meal until everyone is done,
but be flexible. Better to let your little ones go off and play
rather than get restless at the table; likewise, if your adolescents
are inundated with school work, don’t require them to sit
for undue time at the table.
The end of the meal can be signaled by thanking the cook and
cleaning up together. Make sure that everyone participates in
cleanup; even those who left the table earlier should come back
and pitch in.
Engage the senses. Rounding up the family and putting a nourishing
meal on the table daily is challenging enough, to be sure. But
once you get a routine down, you can consider those elements
that take the dinner experience from routine to ritual.
By engaging the senses in the
experience, even the most ordinary meals can be made memorable.
The beauty of
candles or flowers
at the table, the snap and crunch of a raw vegetable platter,
the surprising lilt of a fruit salsa or chutney on the plate,
the scent of fresh bread, the touch of hands joined around the
table for a moment of gratitude — these are but a few ways
to add to the pleasure of eating with a few easy nods to the
senses. Adding these small but significant embellishments helps
transform the daily dinner from routine to ritual.
Sit and chat. Ideally, of course, the dinner table should be
a place for conversation and connection. The reality is that
by the time we sit down to the evening meal, many of us (especially
if younger children are involved) feel too weary for sparkling
repartee. It helps to provide a common thread from day to day,
like opening with a simple blessing or giving thanks for the
food and company. Dinner time is for checking in, exchanging
news, enjoying good food and just being together.
Having a set of prompts in mind
works well to spark conversation. Discuss an interesting news
story or community
event, or have
everyone talk about the high point of their day. My older son
recently suggested that we celebrate or commemorate something
that happened on that date each day at dinnertime — a significant
historic event or the birthday of a person we admire. Many web
sites such as infoplease.com have such listings.
If you want to keep conversation
light, try “conversation
in a jar,” suggested by Meg Cox in The Book of New Family
Traditions. Prepare a container to be set on the table, containing
strips of paper marked with questions such as "The strangest
thing that happened to me today was..." or "The best
book I've read recently is...".
Explore blessings. Many families enjoy starting the meal with
some sort of blessing; others find this feels rather awkward.
Some report that saying a blessing can at first feel forced,
but after a while, it becomes a calming way to begin a meal.
If you’d like to explore
this idea in a less conventional way, consider going outside
your personal
tradition with blessings
from other cultures. Chinese, Indian, Native American, Tibetan,
Irish and other cultures and traditions have lovely blessings
that can be adopted -- or adapted. A few lines from a favorite
poem can also be an offbeat way open your meal. Saying Grace:
Blessings for the Family Table (edited by Sarah McElwain) is
a little book filled with ideas from worlds religious traditions,
great poets, Aesop and even cowboys.
Be flexible and realistic. If
your family’s schedule simply
won’t allow for dinner at the table every night, try to
carve out the time for at least some meals together. If it’s
only twice a week, so be it; make the most of those meals together.
And in truth, it’s unrealistic
to expect relaxing family meals with toddler, babies and tired
young
children. When my
sons were toddlers and preschoolers, I often fed them dinner
early so that my husband and I could enjoy a quiet meal. We kept
revisiting the concept of eating as a family at regular intervals
as they grew up. Gradually, a full-fledged family dinner evolved.
Generally, kids are ready for the dinner ritual once they are
school age. Remember, rigid food rituals are hardly better than
no rituals at all.
Use candles at the table. Candles
are often saved for special occasions, though their soothing
glow provides
an easy way to
elevate the nightly meal. The simple act of lighting candles
gives the meal a definite beginning; older children enjoy this
task. Dinner is over when the candles are blown out — the
perfect “job” for little ones.
Candles are most welcome during
the dark days of the year. For casual daily meals, try short,
chunky candles
or colorful tapers
in ceramic holders. It’s also fun to set a tiny tea light
at everyone’s place. Send a long, safe candle around so
everyone can light their individual candle. When the meal is
over, everyone blows out his own candle. While hardly a revolutionary
idea, candles can sharpen the focus of a family dinner while
softening the atmosphere.
© Nava Atlas
NFO regular contributor
Nava Atlas is the author and illustrator of many books on
vegetarian cooking and other subjects, including The Vegetarian
5-Ingredient Gourmet, The Vegetarian Family Cookbook, Vegetarian
Soups for all Seasons and Vegetariana. Read
more about Nava.
