How
to Help Your Marriage Survive a New Baby
By Elizabeth Pantley
After a baby is born, about half
of all couples experience a decline in marital satisfaction. If
you have a baby in the house, here are some tips so that you can
prevent this from happening to you.
Learn about it
When a baby joins your family, your life changes dramatically.
The way you will spend your days — and your nights —
will be astonishingly different than before your baby was born.
The way you feel about yourself and your place in the world shifts.
Your priorities rearrange themselves into new patterns. To keep
your marriage strong and loving, it will be important to redefine
your relationship. You’ll best succeed if you acknowledge
and embrace these changes in a new design that includes your roles
as mother and father, as well as those of husband and wife.
Communication is key
As soon as your baby is born, you’ll be whooshed into a
whirlwind of change and activity. There will be immediate and
dramatic changes to your daily schedule. There will be visitors
and gifts, thank-you notes to write and purchases — big
and small — to be made. You’ll both be learning how
to diaper, feed, bathe and care for a baby, and nobody will be
getting any sleep at all. Is it any wonder that your marriage
isn’t getting the same amount of nurturing as when it was
just the two of you?
What’s most important during
this time is that you talk to each other. Share your feelings
about what’s going on in your lives, talk about what worries
or concerns you and, best of all, don’t be afraid to have
endless conversations about the wonder and miracle of your precious
baby. Talking to each other will be a key component to keeping
your marriage healthy, not just during this time of transition
but for the rest of your lives, as well.
Understand that it’s
just a phase
My husband and I have gone through the new baby phase four times,
and it has been a little easier each time. By the time newborn
number four joined our family, we could simply look at each other
and pass a message between us that said, “I love you with
all my heart, but I’m a little distracted right now. Don’t
worry - I’ll be back.”
If you find that things are a little
odd right now, that’s perfectly normal. You’re both
dealing with this major life change, and it will take a bit before
you settle into the new family configuration. If you continue
to communicate, you can help each other work through these adjustments
and come out on the other end a new family with a strong, loving
marriage at the head.
How intimacy changes
Typically, if you ask your doctor when you can have sex again,
he’ll tell you that you should wait six weeks after the
birth of your baby. Many couples envision a pre-wedding-type waiting
period followed by exciting and passionate honeymoon sex. This
is often very far from reality.
A woman’s physical self undergoes
a major change; pregnancy and delivery have an effect on a woman’s
body like nothing else imaginable. Breastfeeding a new baby every
two hours or so, coupled with the fatigue of endless night waking,
further shape the purely physical impact of childbearing. Some
studies demonstrate that nearly 80% of mothers — no matter
how deeply they love their husbands — experience a loss
of sex drive during the first year of their baby’s life,
and another 60% find that it takes yet another year before they
rediscover their pre-baby sexual passion. Many families welcome
another pregnancy during this time, further complicating the sexual
aspect of their relationship.
These biological effects, though,
don’t have to signal an end to an exciting and passionate
sex life. (Just look around you at all the families with a nest
full of children — how do you think they got there?) It
does mean that you will need to modify your approach to intimacy,
replacing frequent, spontaneous sex with sex that is wonderfully
intimate but thoughtfully scheduled.
Make a commitment to your marriage
Once you’ve passed through the new baby stage, you’ll
want to continue to build and maintain a strong marriage. To do
this, you must be willing to invest time, effort and thought.
The ideas that follow will help you create and maintain deep meaning
and joy in your marriage.
° Look for the good, overlook
the bad. Make it a habit to ignore little annoying things —
dirty socks on the floor, a day-old coffee cup on the counter,
worn-out flannel pajamas, an inelegant burp at the dinner table.
Choose instead to focus on things that make you smile: the way
he rolls on the floor with the baby; the fact that she made
your favorite cookies, the peace of knowing someone so well
that you can wear your worn-out flannels or burp at
the table.
° Give compliments freely
and frequently. Compliments are powerful; they can bring your
partner closer to you. Compliments are easy to give; you just
have to make the effort to say them. A kind word can bring a
smile to your partner’s face and lift the mood of the
day.
° Show your appreciation.
Your partner can become your port in the sometimes wild storms
of life. He or she may know you better than anyone else in the
world ? the only one who understands what little things make
you most happy. Whenever small favors pass between you, always
acknowledge them. “Thank you” hugs and “you’re
welcome” kisses are marvelous ways to stay close, even
when days are hectic.
° Pick your battles. This
is great advice for childrearing—and for marriage, as
well. Any human relationship has its share of disagreement and
conflict. The key to a happy marriage is to decide which issues
are worth pursuing and which are better off ignored.
° Make time for intimacy.
As busy as you may be, as tired as you may get, find the time
to stay close to your spouse physically. The foundation for
this is the power of touch throughout your days together. Holding
hands, hugging, massaging each other’s tense shoulders
— they’re all part of the intimate relationship
that you have together. Every small physical gesture helps to
set the stage for more involved overtures when the opportunity
presents itself. The more you incorporate these tender actions
into your days, the more likely that they will extend into your
nights in the form of sexual intimacy.
° Talk … and listen,
too. As you work through the years, your marriage will change
and shift according to the various milestones in your relationship
such as having children, moving to new homes and dealing with
the challenges that all people face. What’s important
is keeping the lines of communication open. Talking to each
other — and truly listening to the other’s
words, hearing the feelings behind the words — will help
you two understand one another and stay close.
° Make time for couple time.
It can be very difficult for your marriage to thrive if you
spend all your time being Mommy and Daddy. You need to spend
regular time as husband and wife, too. This doesn’t mean
you have to take a two-week vacation in Hawaii (although that
might be nice, too!). Just take small daily snippets of time
when you can enjoy uninterrupted conversation or even just quiet
companionship. A daily morning walk around the block or a shared
cup of tea after your children are in bed might work wonders
to reconnect you to each other. And yes, it’s quite fine
to talk about your baby when you’re spending your time
together, because after all, your baby is one of the most important
connections you have in your relationship. Sharing the joys
that come with having children is one of the things that can
keep your marriage close and loving.
When you and your spouse regularly
connect in a way that nurtures your relationship, you will find
that you can maintain a sparkling love between you that will also
help you be a loving parent.
© Elizabeth Pantley; excerpted
from Gentle Baby Care
Parenting educator Elizabeth Pantley
is the author of numerous parenting books, including the widely
cited The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your
Baby Sleep Through the Night. Buy her books at Powells.com.
She is a regular radio show
guest and is quoted frequently on the web and in national family
and women’s publications. Her next book, Gentle Toddler
Care, will be available in 2004. Elizabeth lives in Washington
state with her husband, their four children and her mother. Visit
her at www.pantley.com/elizabeth.
