Natural Fathering: Saving Memories of Your Children
By Mark Brandenburg
A few years ago, my three-year-old
son and I settled in for the last stage of his good night routine.
It had been a good day for him, he’d been very active and
had spent a great deal of time in the sand and water.
Right now he was tired, and I was
as well. We lay down together in his little bed and after a few
moments he said, “Daddy, when I get big can I live with
you?” I assured him he could live with me any time he wanted
to.
A moment later he said, “Dad,
when you die you’re going to feel something on your face
and it will be me touching your face.” Then he added, “I
will kiss you on your cheek.” He moved over, kissed me lightly
on the cheek and cuddled in next to me. I was aware of tears suddenly
welling up in my eyes and rolling down my cheeks. I was also aware
that I didn’t want to have to explain why I was crying;
as I opened my eyes to look at my son, I noticed he was fast asleep.
Cherishing
the moments
I spent some time just looking at him, savoring the moment and
wondering about the depth of the reaction I’d just had.
It occurred to me later that I didn’t remember having many
of these kinds of tender moments with my own father. I felt both
happy for a chance to experience it with my son and saddened that
I didn’t remember more of them with my own father.
It also occurred to
me that this was a time in our lives that would be extremely short-lived.
This time of innocence and the magical moments that make up a
three-year-old’s life would soon be gone forever. What will
remain, however, will be my memory of this moment that we had
together. It was a moment that made all of the difficult work
of being a father worthwhile.
Being a committed father can at
times feel like an incredibly thankless and unending job. It can
feel like you’re no more than the janitor, chauffeur and
handyman in the house where you live.
And then you will have “a
moment.” A moment like this in which your child expresses
absolute, pure, and unconditional love for you. When your kids
have left home and you look back at these years, it will be what
you have left — all of these memories strung together to
make up the recollections of their lives with you.
Collect your
memories
As we collect these important memories, it seems worthwhile to
consider how you remember them -- both for yourself and for your
children. Here are some ideas:
• Write a letter to each
of your children in which you remember the experiences you had
with them and share reflections on what you were experiencing
as they grew up. It can be a valuable way to remember these
experiences and a wonderful gift to your children when they
get older.
• Regularly tell your children
about some of the most memorable times you‘ve had with
them and some of the entertaining, funny things that they said
or did. Kids love to hear stories about themselves from their
dad or mom, so have a boatload of them on hand.
• Form rituals
around your children whenever possible, whether it’s for
some event in their lives or a changing of the season. Using
rituals will be a great way for all of you to remember these
things and to make them more meaningful.
• Start your
own parenting journal in which you chronicle the joys and struggles
of being a father. It will not only give you a priceless piece
of reading years down the road but will help you to better understand
yourself as you reflect on your own joys and struggles.
• Encourage your children
to start their own journals when they’re old enough. This
is a great way for your kids to help themselves process their
own feelings. They’ll be more likely to do it if they
see you’re doing it as well.
It seems that most parents lament
the speed at which their kids grow up and leave the house. There
will be a time, soon after your kids leave home, when all you’ll
be able to “hold” is your memories of them.
May you find a way to hold them
that honors the precious times.
© Mark Brandenburg.
Mark Brandenburg,
MA, CPCC, CSC, is an author, speaker and certified relationship
coach. He has worked with individuals, teams and families to improve
their lives for more than 20 years.
He is the author of a number of books for men, including 25
Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent Fathers. Mark
coaches parents from around the country through weekly telephone
coaching sessions on balancing their lives and improving their
parenting. He runs workshops and gives presentations for fathers
and for parents that are enthusiastically received, as well as
teleclasses for parents at MarkBrandenburg.com.
