Frazzled
Parents: I Yelled at My Kids
By Mark Brandenburg
I really hadn't meant to yell,
but the aftermath of it lay before me. My son was a whimpering
mess on the floor, and my daughter sat statue-like on the chair
in front of me.
As I sat there considering
my next move, it occurred to me that I needed to do something
quickly. The deafening sound of silence reminded all of us that
an ugly moment had just occurred. And a voice inside me continued
to insist that my kids were at fault.
"OK, you two, I'm sorry I
yelled like that. What a dumb thing to do!" As I moved toward
my son, it became evident that he wanted no part of me. "Get
away from me!" he shouted.
I thought better of telling him
not to yell at me, so I did the only thing I could think of doing.
"Crabby Daddy is back," I proclaimed as I transformed
my hands into pincers and crawled in crab-like fashion toward
them. "I love to yell at children, then eat them!"
Undoing the damage
My son continued to yell at me to go away, but now he was laughing
and crying simultaneously. My mission to undo the damage my yelling
had caused was under way. I'd been able to recover quickly this
time, but I knew that this moment would be remembered for awhile.
Most importantly, I wanted to remember
what had really happened. What happened was that I wasn't disciplined.
I failed to control my emotions in a way that my children could
emulate.
Were my children misbehaving? Absolutely.
Is there a part of me that wants to blame them and let them know
how badly they were acting? No question. But this is the part
of me that serves my ego. It shows my children how to avoid responsibility
and blame others. It's not my "best self." And it's
our best self which we must always search for when we're with
our children.
Striving for improvement
Our kids don't need perfect parents, and they won't get them.
But they do need parents who strie to get better. I'm reminded
of the words of Emerson, who said, "When a man lives with
God, his voice shall be as sweet as the murmur of the brook and
the rustle of the corn." If in our lifetime we could speak
to our kids with a voice this sweet, it would be enough.
But until we reach this level,
what should we do after we yell at our kids? Here are five ideas.
Recover quickly.
Recovering emotionally (or faking your recovery) will make it
much easier on your children and show them how to be resilient
themselves.
Apologize, but don't overdo
it. It's important to say you're sorry, but don't dwell
on it and don't show signs of pity. This will help create a victim
of your child faster than the drop of a hat.
Avoid finding ways to blame
them. It's incredibly easy to blame your kids when you're
angry. It's OK to say, "When I saw you hit your brother I
felt angry," but avoid saying, "You made me angry."
You're responsible for your own anger -- teach this to your children.
Process the incident with
them. Children can be traumatized by yelling, and it
helps to talk about what happened for each of them. Ask them questions
about it and allow them a chance to talk about it if they'd like.
Don't beat yourself up
about it. You don't have to envision your kids 20 years
from now telling their therapists how you screwed up their lives!
Kids are pretty resilient. They'll recover, especially if you
follow these steps and keep working on yourself.
While we're not perfect, we can
still search for the voice as "sweet as the murmur of the
brook and the rustle of the corn." It might even keep your
kids out of the therapist’s chair.
© Mark Brandenburg
Mark Brandenburg, MA, CPCC, CSC, is
an author, speaker and certified relationship coach. He has worked
with individuals, teams and families to improve their lives for
more than 20 years. He is
the author of a number of books for men, including 25
Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent Fathers. Mark
coaches parents from around the country through weekly telephone
coaching sessions on balancing their lives and improving their parenting.
He runs workshops and gives presentations for fathers and for parents
that are enthusiastically received, as well as teleclasses for parents
at MarkBrandenburg.com.
