Stressed,
Every Day
By Mark Brandenburg
I
know of no more encouraging fact than the unquestionable ability
of man to elevate his life by conscious endeavor. —
Henry David Thoreau
As
I came through the door after a challenging day of work, the tornado
began. "Daddy's home!" My kids wanted to share their
day and their artwork, and my wife wanted to share how difficult
her day had been.
I
wanted to lie down on the couch and be left alone.
And
this same scenario is happening all over the country with fathers
(or mothers) and their families. Families are converging on each
other at the end of the day with wildly different needs and moods.
The result can be hurt feelings and distance between family members.
End-of-day
expectations
Working parents often come home filled with stress and problems
from the workplace. They're in a "fix-it" mentality
and they're looking for some time to unwind before facing the
brunt of their families.
Your
kids, however, don't care much about your work stress. They want
a father who notices them and who's excited to see them. Every
little thing you do is noticed by your children: your facial expression,
the way you hang up your coat and the way you greet them. The
question underlying all of this is, "Will daddy be here for
me tonight?"
The
set-up
As a former athlete, I remember the preparation before competing
that would put me in the right "state" to play at the
highest level. We would visualize the game unfolding before us
and spend some quiet time increasing our ability to relax and
stay focused. When the game began, we were ready to play, largely
because we had tuned into our bodies and created that readiness.
What
kind of preparation do most of us put into our parenting role
when we come home from work at night? Do we ready ourselves for
being fully present to our kids and our spouse? Are we enthusiastic
when we see them, or are we consumed by our own issues?
Get
ready, get set …
Here are five ideas for readying yourself for your family when
you come home at night.
Develop
a ritual. It might be reading a prepared paragraph that
you've written about being ready or having a moment of silence
to help you go from work mode to home mode. Find something that
reminds you of the daily discipline necessary to be your best
when you come home to your family.
Find
out what your family needs from you. It's hard to know
how to make things work when you come home if you don't know what
people need from you. If you don't know, ask them! The chances
are good that they'll want to share their day with you. While
things will vary, it helps to have a sense of how much each person
needs from you after you walk in the door.
Let
your family know what you need. If you need to have some
time for yourself, let your family know what you need so they
don't feel left out. After you’re done taking your time,
give them the welcome they deserve.
Use
the ride home as a way to unwind. Using the ride home
to prepare for life at home allows you a defined amount of time
to shift from work mode to home mode. Use some deep breathing
— with each breath, you become more relaxed and more focused
on the needs at home.
Remember
how easily we can shift away from the drama of work. It's
easy to become overwhelmed by the emotions and thoughts that are
produced from our jobs. The truth is that we can shift our thoughts
and feelings away from work quite readily if we practice it. Work
can be overwhelming; our reactions to it don't have to be. You
bring home a message every night: "What's truly important
in my life?" Your kids will get this message loud and clear.
© Mark Brandenburg
NFO regular contributor
Mark Brandenburg, MA, CPCC, is the author of 25
Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent Fathers. Sign up for
his free bi-weekly newsletter, Dads, Don't Fix Your Kids,
at MarkBrandenburg.com.
