Top 10 Common Sense Rules for Fathers
By Mark Brandenburg
There are a lot of fairly sophisticated
parenting techniques and ideas out there that are attracting attention.
To be an effective father, you can skip most of them and concentrate
on common sense rules that have always worked. They won't always
make you the most popular dad, but they'll always be effective.
Rule #1: Expect a great
deal from your kids.
If your kids know that you expect a lot from them, they'll rise
to the occasion. Everything from saying “please” and
“thank you” to efforts in school or on the athletic
field … if expectations are made clear in a loving atmosphere,
your kids will know that you think a lot of them. When they know
this, they'll respond.
Rule #2: Always be willing
to be the problem.
When you're convinced that someone in your family is causing the
problems and you're blaming them for it, realize that this problem
won't get better until you accept that you're making it worse
by blaming them. It may briefly feel good to blame, but it never
improves anything. Loving and accepting that person will make
a positive difference.
Rule #3: Know your child’s
life intimately.
Get to know all that you can about your kids. Know what their
favorite toys and colors are, who their best friends are, who
their heroes are, etc. By showing interest, you're showing you
love them. By not asking, you show that they're not that important
to you.
Rule #4: Say “no”
to your kids.
There's an awful lot of stuff out there for kids these days ...
and of course they want to have it all. Kids who get almost everything
they want typically don't turn out to be very happy kids. Kids
learn discipline, self-control and how to delay gratification
when they are told “no” by their parents. It may be
a difficult struggle, but saying “no” and meaning
it will help you to have happy, healthy and cooperative kids.
Rule #5: Hitting or spanking
your kids doesn’t work.
There are plenty of studies showing that kids who are spanked
have lower self-esteem. Spanking your kids will also be likely
to increase the very kinds of behaviors that you are spanking
them for. As a father, do you really want your child to be afraid
of you?
Rule #6: Treat your wife
extremely well.
This is where your kids get their most important information about
relationships between men and women. Make a great effort not to
fight in front of the kids. Remember to be kind more often than
trying to be right.
Rule #7: Actions speak
louder than words.
Many parents spend time threatening their children when their
kids aren't cooperating. But if you don't follow through on the
consequences, you can threaten ‘til the cows come home –
your children will learn to ignore the threats. They'll understand
action. If certain privileges are taken away because of their
lack of cooperation, they'll learn very quickly that you mean
business. Try your best to align the consequences with the action
(“If you don't clean your room in time, you won't have time
for stories before bed.”).
Rule #8: Really listen
to your kids.
Don't just hear their words, but learn to understand the meaning
behind what they say as well. “I'm picking my own clothes!”
might mean that your child wants more responsibility or independence.
Be able to reflect back what your child says to you. If you want
your child to listen to you, you absolutely must listen to her/him.
Rule #9: Gives your kids
responsibility as they grow older.
When your kids are very young, maybe they just help make their
beds in the morning and keep their rooms clean. As they get older,
add things to their list. Tell them that this is how a family
works, that everybody has certain things that they do. If you
do it when they're young, it's more likely they'll do it when
they're older. Don't reward them for things that should be expected
of them.
Rule #10: Tell your kids
they’re great all the time.
It is especially important to tell them this when they're not
at their best. It's easy to tell them when things are going well.
Make it a point to tell them specifically what you think is great
about them. This will be more meaningful than generalized praise.
Mark Brandenburg,
MA, CPCC, CSC, is an author, speaker and certified relationship
coach. He has worked with individuals, teams and families to improve
their lives for more than 20 years.
He is the author of a number of books for men, including 25
Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent Fathers. Mark
coaches parents from around the country through weekly telephone
coaching sessions on balancing their lives and improving their
parenting. He runs workshops and gives presentations for fathers
and for parents that are enthusiastically received, as well as
teleclasses for parents at MarkBrandenburg.com.
