Give Your Kids the “N” Word
By Mark Brandenburg
What's your main purpose as a parent?
Isn't it to prepare your kids to be happy, healthy, successful
people in their own lives? What's the best way to do this?
One effective method of preparing
them for their own lives is to give them a heavy dose of the word
that not enough kids are getting today. That word is the "N"
word -- the word “no.”
We all deal with a certain amount
of frustration in our everyday adult lives. We are frustrated
at our jobs, in our relationships and by circumstances that we
have no control over. Over time, we learn to handle frustration
better and to turn it into challenges and opportunities that we
work through.
People who can handle frustration
successfully tend to have happier and more successful lives. They
learn to be resilient and to appreciate what they've accomplished
and what they've received.
Get over it
How about your kids? Are your kids being frustrated enough? Are
there high enough expectations being placed on them? Are you saying
no enough, and are you allowing them to have opportunities to
be frustrated and to work through it?
There are a lot of kids today receiving
boatloads of gifts and gadgets from their parents who aren't being
given many responsibilities within their families. If you're not
allowing your kids to be exposed to responsibility and frustration,
and if you're not liberally giving out the “n” word
to them, you may be creating monsters within the confines of your
home.
Many parents have gone through
hard times in their lives and naturally want to spare their children
the same fate that they experienced. They have a very difficult
time seeing their children struggling and allowing them to deal
with it. The result of this choice is that many children today
get almost everything they want in terms of clothes, electronic
gadgets, toys, etc. The amount of stuff they receive and the new
products that they want keep growing every year.
What are we getting in
life?
Try comparing what your children get in terms of their most wanted
items to what you get in your life. Is it a close comparison?
It's clear that many parents are
preparing their kids for a life that's out of touch with the real
world. The same kids who have so many material possessions often
don't appreciate or take care of what they do have. Why should
they? There will probably be more goodies coming soon.
Parents who say “no”
to their kids on a fairly regular basis take a big step towards
ensuring that their kids are happy, responsible and successful.
Here are some specific actions that parents can take:
If you're married, consult with your spouse about what your
dose of the "n" word will be. Creating a unified front
will strengthen your position and cause fewer conflicts.
Never do things for your children that they can do for themselves.
Allow them to be frustrated and to learn to be more resilient.
Consider an allowance for your kids, even if they're quite young,
so that they can develop a sense of responsibility with money
and a sense of taking care of their things.
Take stock of your children's possessions. Do they have way
too many things? Are their some things that might be better
suited for Goodwill?
Foster an environment of appreciation for the things you have.
Model this appreciation in how you care for the things you own
and how you use them.
Limit the number and price of the gifts your kids receive at
holidays and parties. Donate or give away the gifts that they
aren't very interested in. Talk to your relatives and friends
if necessary about what you're trying to do.
The challenges of inexperience
It's difficult at times to see your kids struggle with the many
challenges of being young and inexperienced. Frustration is a
constant companion of kids as they learn the many skills and demands
of living their lives.
Parents can make an extremely important
choice for themselves and their children when these frustrating
moments arise. They can see the opportunity for their kids to
learn from these moments by having to work through these feelings.
Parents who are really interested in the success of their kids
are motivated by doing what works for their kids in the long run.
Parents who are interested in having
their kids avoid pain are doing their kids a disservice. They're
more interested in being a savior than serving their kids. The
message comes in loud and clear for them: “Your parents
don’t think you can handle this.”
Remember that some day, your kids
will figure these things out for themselves. And when they do,
they'll thank you for allowing them to struggle.
© Mark Brandenburg
Mark Brandenburg,
MA, CPCC, CSC, is an author, speaker and certified relationship
coach. He has worked with individuals, teams and families to improve
their lives for more than 20 years.
He is the author of a number of books for men, including 25
Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent Fathers. Mark
coaches parents from around the country through weekly telephone
coaching sessions on balancing their lives and improving their
parenting. He runs workshops and gives presentations for fathers
and for parents that are enthusiastically received, as well as
teleclasses for parents at MarkBrandenburg.com.
