Tips to Build Sibling Attachment
By Anna Stewart
Ask a pregnant mother what her
fears are and the answer may surprise you. With the first baby,
fears tend to be about the pain of childbirth, financial woes
and loss of independence. The second time around, a parent knows
how to care for an infant and how quickly the dependent infant
becomes a struggling-for-independence child.
But for many parents pregnant with
the second, the fear is about the first child. How will she handle
the new baby? How am I going to give my first the attention she
is used to?
Preparing the first child for the
arrival of the second is a big concern. Lorna Benton, MSW, specializes
in working with children. “As long as a child is perceiving
that their needs are being met, everything will be copasetic,”
she said. “The difficulty is separating their wants from
their needs. Healthy children want to please their parents and
to be part of the process of including a new child into the family.”
Love enough for everyone
Some kids need to be reassured that love is not a finite thing
like a carton of milk. It doesn’t run out. Having another
child means there is more love, not less. Love grows like kids
do.
Even with lots of books, movies
and discussions, the reality of a new baby taking Mom and Dad’s
attention can cause some kids to exhibit regressive behavior.
One friend’s daughter started peeing in places other than
the toilet. Benton said much of kid’s behavior is metaphoric
— in this case, the child was pissed off at her mother.
As long as communication between
parents and children is clear and developmentally appropriate
and children are involved with their siblings, their relationship
has a good foundation.
Building strong attachments
Good sibling attachment can begin at birth with siblings present
or nearby (whatever is comfortable for them). Excluding the older
child from the arrival of the sibling, an event loaded with energy,
can start their relationship with the experience of separation
rather than inclusion.
Try these tips for good
sibling attachment.
• Involve your older child
in decisions about the baby such as things the baby might like
—perhaps a stuffed animal or deciding where her car seat
should go.
• Find activities or rituals to demonstrate that the new
baby is not just Mom and Dad’s baby but is the family’s
baby, such as including her in the dinnertime blessing.
• Making a picture or paint a shirt with fabric paints
for the new baby.
• Watch movies and read books about having a new sibling.
• Include your child at the birth. Assign a friend or
family member to be in charge of him. Allow him to come in and
out of the room, as he needs to. Don’t ask him how he
is doing, as it puts the attention on him and he will not want
it.
• Have your older child cut her sibling’s umbilical
cord, with adult help.
• With good preparation on what to expect as well as the
freedom to come and go, most kids are perfectly capable of handling
birth. It connects them to the emotions and energy of the magnitude
of the new baby being in their lives.
Just like the older siblings, all
children do best when they receive plenty of appropriate attention
and energy from their parents. Kids can be amazingly resilient
and present. We all want to feel included, valued and loved by
our family.
© Anna Stewart
Anna Stewart, B.A., C.M.T., C.H.T.,
mothers three young children, one with special needs. In her classes,
workshops and services, she weaves her expertise as a professional
writer, creative artist and student of rhythm dance. Anna offers
a number of classes in the Boulder, Colorado, area. She can be
reached at (303) 499-7681 or via e-mail at anna (at) motherhands.com.
Her web site is
ww.motherhands.com.
