Attachment:
Is There Any Such Thing as Too Much?
By Dr. Linda Folden Palmer
Generations of parents following
the advice of the experts who cautioned them not to allow their
babies to develop strong attachments to them or to expect comfort
from them have come to wonder why their teenagers won’t
trust and confide in them.
By withholding parental responsiveness
and affection, we have grown generations of adults who are unable
to trust and who act out to acquire attention. Many lack the foundation,
security and trust required to maintain a lasting relationship
with a mate.
By not respecting the feelings
of our infants, we raise children who do not respect the feelings
of their peers, adolescents who do not respect the feelings of
their parents and adults who often can’t respect even their
own feelings.
Fostering “independence”
One major facet of the advice given to parents was the counsel
that “autonomy” or “independence” must
be developed in their infants. Infants, however, are not meant
to be independent, and humans are not solitary animals. Out of
a totally protective, secure, nutritive, life-sustaining and nurturing
womb, we are born, helpless and premature, to adults who are tuned
by evolution to provide nutrition, protection and social development
during our continued growth. As a reward, this relationship forms
the foundation for continued nurturing and guidance and eventually
creates a loving, self-sustaining adult.
Not responding to infants’
needs has been shown to often reduce their efforts to have their
needs met, sometimes resulting in a less-demanding “good
baby.” In others, prolonged periods of crying ensue, unheeded,
when baby is hungry or alone in the crib. Either way, the mother
and baby have successfully avoided becoming “too attached”
to each other, as the standard advice recommends, so that separations
will be easy. Withdrawn or crying alone, whichever path the infant
takes, she may appear to be more independent, but ultimately the
sad fact is that she is merely very much on her own.
The risks of detachment
Countless investigations have revealed the behavioral consequences
of these methods: a high risk for behavioral disorders in growing
children as well as in the adults they will become. School-aged
children may be more outwardly aggressive and less in control
of themselves, or sometimes they are quite withdrawn. Parents
often have little control over their detached and now very independent
teenagers, and these teens often demonstrate a wide variety of
antisocial behaviors. Anxiety disorders, depression, intimacy
issues and an inability to form stable, lasting bonds are also
prominent in adults from insecurely attached beginnings.
To put this issue more simply,
when infants’ feelings are consistently ignored, they cannot
be expected to confide in their caretakers when they become teenagers.
When their needs and desires (which are one and the same at this
age) are consistently unmet early on, the resulting teenagers
cannot be expected to trust that their parents are the ones to
turn to. Furthermore, fear may appear to work well as a behavior
control for young children, but this tactic runs out of steam
for young adults. Only strong bonding and deeply embedded respect
and trust will positively influence behavior at this stage of
life and beyond.
Excerpted from Baby
Matters: What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Caring for Your
Baby by Dr. Linda Folden Palmer.
© Copyright 2002 Dr.
Linda Folden Palmer, All rights reserved
Dr. Linda Folden
Palmer consults and lectures on natural infant health, optimal
child nutrition and attachment parenting. After running a successful
chiropractic practice focused on nutrition and women’s health
for more than a decade, Linda’s life became transformed
eight years ago by the birth of her son. Her research into his
particular health challenges led her to write Baby
Matters: What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Caring for Your
Baby. Extensively documented, this healthy parenting
bookpresents the scientific evidence behind attachment parenting
practices, supporting baby's immune system, preventing colic and
sparing drug usage. You can visit Linda’s web site at www.babyreference.com.
