Question:
We’re expecting
our first baby soon and thinking about using a family bed. We’ve
done a lot of research on the “whys” -- and there’s
lots of information out there. But what about the practical tips?
How do we set things up?
Elizabeth Pantley responds:
The family bed, co-sleeping, shared sleep -- no matter
what you call it, it means that your baby sleeps with you or very
close to you. The family bed is becoming more and more common
(or perhaps it’s always been common, but more people are
now talking about it.)
Sharing sleep is very popular with
parents (particularly nursing mothers) of young babies who wake
throughout the night, since it allows parents to avoid getting
up out of bed and traveling up and down a dark hallway. Co-sleeping
is popular also with parents of older babies who enjoy the nighttime
closeness with their child.
There are as many different styles
of family beds as there are families! Here are a few of the typical
sleeping arrangements:
The family bed
Parents and baby sleep together in one bed -- usually king-sized.
Side by side The child sleeps on a separate
mattress or futon on the floor next to the parent’s bed.
Sidecar A cradle or crib is nestled adjacent
to the parent’s bed, sometimes with one side of the crib
removed.
Shared room The baby and parents have separate
beds in the same room.
The use of these arrangements varies
from home to home also. Some of the common sleep situations are:
Shared sleep with
the baby during the night and for naps.
Part-time shared sleep for either naps or nighttime
or some of both, with baby in a crib, cradle or other place
for other sleep times.
Mom’s dual beds is a common setup in
which Mommy has one place where she sleeps with the baby, and
another where she sleeps with her husband. She moves back and
forth between beds based on how often the baby wakes up and
how tired she is on any given night.
Musical beds are a common arrangement. There
are several beds in different rooms, and parents and baby shift
from place to place depending on each evening’s situation.
Occasional family bed is when the baby has
her own crib or bed but is welcomed into the parent’s
bed whenever she has a bad dream, feels sick or needs some extra
cuddle time.
Sibling bed is often a natural follow-up to
the family bed. Older children share sleep after they outgrow
the need for the parent’s bed or the sidecar arrangement.
How to decide
Every family has different nighttime needs. There is no single
best arrangement that works for all babies and parents. Even within
a family, there may be several “right” options to
choose from. The key is to find the solution that feels right
to everyone in your family.
It’s very important to eliminate
your need or desire to satisfy anyone else’s perception
of what you should be doing. In other words, no matter what your
in-laws, your neighbors, your pediatrician or your favorite author
says about sleeping arrangements, the only “right”
answer is the one that works for the people living in your home.
Making it safe
If you decide to have your baby sleep with you, either for naps
or at nighttime, you should adhere to the following safety guidelines:
• Your bed must be absolutely safe for your baby. The
best choice is to place the mattress on the floor, making sure
there are no crevices that your baby can become wedged in. Make
certain your mattress is flat, firm and smooth. Do not allow
your baby to sleep on a soft surface such as a waterbed, sofa,
pillow-top mattress or any other flexible surface.
• Make certain that your
fitted sheets stay secure and cannot be pulled lose.
• If your bed is raised
off the floor, use mesh guardrails to prevent your baby from
rolling off the bed, and be especially careful that there is
no space between the mattress and headboard or footboard. (Some
guardrails designed for older children are not safe for babies
because they have spaces that could entrap babies.)
• If your bed is placed
against a wall or other furniture, check every night to be sure
there is no space between the mattress and wall or furniture
where baby could become stuck.
• Infants should be placed
between their mother and the wall or guardrail. Fathers, siblings,
and grandparents don't have the same instinctual awareness of
a baby’s location as mothers do. Mothers, your little
one should be able to awaken you with a minimum of movement
or noise. If you find that you are such a deep sleeper that
you only wake when your baby lets out a loud cry, you should
seriously consider moving your baby out of your bed, perhaps
in to a cradle or crib near your bedside.
• Use a large mattress
to provide ample room for everyone’s movement.
• Consider a sidecar arrangement
in which your baby’s crib or cradle sits directly beside
the main bed as one option.
• Make certain that the
room your baby sleeps in and any room he might have access to
is child-safe. (Imagine your baby crawling out of bed to explore
the house as you sleep. Even if he has not done this —
yet — you can be certain he eventually will!)
• Do not ever sleep with
your baby if you have been drinking alcohol, have used any drugs
or medications, are an especially sound sleeper or if you are
suffering from sleep deprivation and find it difficult to awaken.
• Do not sleep with your
baby if you are a large person, as a parent’s excess weight
has been determined to pose a risk to baby in a co-sleeping
situation. While I cannot give you a specific parental weight-to-baby
weight ratio, examine how you and your baby settle in next to
each other. If your baby rolls towards you, if there is a large
dip in the mattress, or if you suspect any other dangerous situations,
play it safe and move your baby to a bedside crib or cradle.
• Remove all pillows and
blankets during the early months. Use extreme caution when adding
pillows or blankets as your baby gets older. Dress your baby
and yourselves warmly. (A tip for breastfeeding moms: wear an
old turtleneck or T-shirt, cut up the middle to the neckline,
as an undershirt for extra warmth.) Keep in mind that body heat
will add warmth during the night. Make sure your baby doesn’t
become overheated.
• Do not wear any nightclothes
with strings or long ribbons. Don’t wear jewelry to bed,
and if your hair is long, put it up.
• Don’t use strong
perfumes or lotions that may affect your baby’s delicate
senses.
• Do not allow pets to
sleep in bed with your baby.
• Never leave your baby
alone in an adult bed unless it is perfectly safe; for example,
placing your baby on a mattress on the floor in a childproof
room, while you are nearby or listening in with a reliable baby
monitor.
• As of the now there are
no proven safety devices for use in protecting a baby in an
adult bed. However, as a result of the great number of parents
who wish to sleep safely with their babies, a number of new
inventions are beginning to appear in baby catalogs and stores.
You may want to look into some of these nests, wedges and cradles.
• Make sure that your young
baby is sleeping on his or her back – the safest position
for sleep.
When to make changes
Sleeping situations tend
to go through a transformation process throughout the early years
of a baby’s life. Some families make a conscious decision
to co-sleep with their babies until they feel that their children
are ready for independent sleeping. Some families make modifications
as their babies begin to sleep better at night. Other families
move their babies to cribs to accommodate a need for private sleep.
The best advice is, go with the flow -- and make adjustments according
to what works best for you.
More Resources
The
No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through
the Night
By Elizabeth Pantley (McGraw-Hill/Contemporary Books, March
2002)
Nighttime
Parenting: How to Get Your Baby and Child to Sleep
By Dr. William Sears (Plume, November 1999)
Good
Nights: The Happy Parents' Guide to the Family Bed (And a Peaceful
Night's Sleep)
by Jay Gordon (Griffin Trade Paperback, July 2002)
© Elizabeth Pantley; excerpted
from Gentle
Baby Care by Elizabeth Pantley
Parenting educator Elizabeth Pantley is the author of numerous
parenting books, including the widely cited The No-Cry Sleep
Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night.
Buy her books at Powells.com.
She is a regular radio show
guest and is quoted frequently on the web and in national family
and women’s publications. Elizabeth lives in Washington state
with her husband, their four children and her mother. Visit her
at www.pantley.com/elizabeth.
