Of Conflict and Control
By Mark Brandenburg
"Daddy, help me, I can't get
up!"
I watched as my five-year-old son
flopped around in the snow with no intention of trying to get
himself up. All at once I felt compassion, disgust, understanding
and anger. I was also in the middle of a campaign to let my son
"take care of himself" and not depend on his dad to
take care of him.
The makings of a classic father-child
conflict were perfectly in place.
My daughter pleaded with me to
pick him up so we could ski back to the park headquarters and
get something to eat. "I know you can do it," I said
for the tenth time that day. But he couldn't --that is, he wouldn't.
Battle of wills
In the battle of wills between father and son, there's an intense
urge to hold your position and to be "the victor." It
feels as though any kind of compromise is a loss. In this case,
I was sure that if I helped my son again I'd be enabling him to
be weak and incapable. Could there be anything worse for a father?
As my daughter's pleas became louder
and my son's cries more dramatic, I quickly considered my options.
It's difficult to think creatively when you're playing the role
of Patton; now the screams were coming from both sides.
I was headed for anger and overwhelm
in a hurry.
"I'll tell you what, Michael.
If you give it one more good try and you can't get up, I'll help
you. But you have to try." He gave it one more awkward flop
and settled down into the snow.
For a reason I'm not aware of,
I put a smile on my face.
"That was it? That's your
effort?" He caught my smile and began to laugh. I toppled
onto him to tickle him and trade playful punches. The anger, disgust
and concerns of a few minutes before were completely gone.
Who’s it all about?
As we sipped hot chocolate later inside, Michael confessed, saying
"the more you wanted me to get up, the more I wanted to stay
down." He knew that I wanted him to get up as much for my
sake as his. Kids are smart that way.
I hope there's a day soon when
I'll be smarter that way, too.
© Mark Brandenburg.
Mark Brandenburg,
MA, CPCC, CSC, is an author, speaker and certified relationship
coach. He has worked with individuals, teams and families to improve
their lives for more than 20 years.
He is the author of a number of books for men, including 25
Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent Fathers. Mark
coaches parents from around the country through weekly telephone
coaching sessions on balancing their lives and improving their
parenting. He runs workshops and gives presentations for fathers
and for parents that are enthusiastically received, as well as
teleclasses for parents at MarkBrandenburg.com.
