Living With a Moody Kid
By Rick Hanson and Jan Hanson
Sometimes
our 3-year-old is cheerful, but little things can always
set him off, and then he seems grumpy and "blue" for
longer than it seems like he should. Not to get paranoid, but
depression runs in my husband's family, and I'm already starting
to wonder about our son.
It's extremely rare for a preschooler to be clinically depressed,
unless something seriously traumatic has happened. Some children
are simply vulnerable to getting bumped into a bad mood, and
it's harder than one would like for them to climb back out of
their slumps. This is very normal; lots of other kids have similar
tendencies.
So what to do? Here are some basic principles. Parents with
spirited or anxious children could probably benefit from trying
these approaches as well.
• Nurture
your child. Moody kids have extra
needs for the stabilizing benefits of parental attention, but
with everybody's
busy schedules these days, it's easy sometimes for a child to
get lost in the shuffle. Ask yourself, how many minutes a day
is each of my children getting quality one-on-one attention from
me? From my partner? If it's less than 20 minutes a day per child,
per parent (and ideally, there'd be much more time), that's going
to create problems.
•
Encourage your child to soak in happy experiences. Depending
on her age, find ways to help her take good moments into herself,
so she builds up a positive emotional memory. Moody, spirited
and anxious children particularly need to access positive feelings
inside in order to soothe themselves, calm down and not give
up when life's hard. Have her imagine she's a sponge absorbing
good feelings or that she's got a treasure chest in her heart
for them. Try spending a few minutes each night before bed reviewing
the day and recalling or thinking about things that make her
feel good — and then have her soak them in.
•
Keep stress down. Stress seems to roll right off the backs of
some kids, but that's the exception, not the rule. Moody, anxious
or spirited kids are like human Velcro® when it comes to
stress. Make a serious effort to avoid long days of child care,
overscheduling, too few breaks and inappropriate expectations.
Also try to hold your temper, since the single biggest stressor
for most young children is their mom's or dad's anger.
• Ask the preschool teacher,
a trusted friend or a counselor for advice. A second pair of eyes might see things you don't that
could be affecting your child (marital problems? a pushy big
brother? too hectic at home? too much yelling? a bully at school?)
and have some good ideas about what could help.
•
Maintain good general nutrition. The guidelines are obvious but
worth repeating: protein with every meal, especially breakfast
(no sweet cereal, toast with jam, or Pop-Tarts®); if your
child's in preschool, find out how long he goes there without
a protein-rich snack; low sugar, especially in drinks; fresh
fruit and vegetables; whole grains.
•
Watch out for food allergies. A surprising number of children
are allergic to foods made from the gluten grains (wheat, oats,
rye, barley), milk or eggs, even if they do not show obvious
symptoms, though a routinely runny nose and/or dark circles under
the eyes are clues. Try completely eliminating foods from one
of these sources for 10 days and see if there is a marked improvement
in your child’s mood, resilience, energy, etc. If not,
move on to eliminating foods from another group. If you're not
quite sure, on one occasion give the child a lot of the food
after the 10 days and see if there is an obvious return of symptoms.
Alternately, you could do a food sensitivity panel (requiring
a blood draw — ouch!) with a licensed health practitioner
who is experienced in its analysis. If you've determined that
there is indeed a food allergy — yes, it's a pain in the
neck, but better to know than to be in the dark. There truly
are plenty of alternative, tasty foods; we know this from personal
experience, since our son is allergic to wheat.
•
Give a basic, high-quality supplement. In a perfect world, all
children would get the nutrition needed for optimal health (beyond
being merely not sick). But in the real world, few get all the
vitamins, minerals and other nutrients they need. Therefore,
look for a high-quality "multi" (the best are found
at your health food store) in a form that your child will take.
•
Consider specific supplements. Two nutrients — essential
fatty acids, and B vitamins — have a particular benefit
for mood issues. Since these are natural substances the body
is used to (and in fact, needs to survive), they generally have
no side effects and are very safe to use. For essential fatty
acids, we suggest molecularly distilled fish oils. (Flax oil
is an option for vegetarians, but alas, it's often just not as
effective as fish oil.) Try about half a teaspoon a day for a
young child, either liquid (if they'll take it, perhaps mixed
in their food, but not heated) or in small capsules. Nordic Naturals
is an excellent brand. Deficits in all of the B vitamins have
been shown to lower mood, and vitamins B-6, B-12 and folic acid
are particularly important. Try to get your child to swallow
a high-potency B-complex pill, ideally in the morning (it could
be a little stimulating). Don't worry about the natural result
of turning his urine bright yellow. You could also try B-12,
which is placed under the tongue to dissolve.
• Maybe try 5-hydroxytryptophan
(5-HTP). You've probably heard
of serotonin, the neurotransmitter that has a major role in regulating
mood. The body builds it from the amino acid tryptophan, and
the next-to-last step is 5-HTP. You can get this supplement in
any health food store, and it has good research support for mild
depression in adults. It's smart to be cautious about anything
that affects a developing child's brain, but if you've tried
everything else and there are still problems, for a child 6 or
older (perhaps younger if you're working with a licensed, nutritionally
oriented health practitioner), you might consider 50 milligrams
a day, taken in the morning.
•
Take good care of yourself, and your marriage. It's a simple
fact: the best way to support your child's well-being is to take
good care of your own and to keep teamwork and intimate friendship
alive with your mate. Moody children bring extra stresses to
their parents — a special reason to nurture yourself.
© Rick Hanson and Jan Hanson
Rick
Hanson, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist. Jan Hanson, M.S.,
L.Ac., is an acupuncturist/nutritionist.
Together, they
are raising a daughter and son, ages 15 and 18. With Ricki Pollycove,
M.D., they are the first and second authors of Mother
Nurture: A Mother’s Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and
Intimate Relationships published by Penguin at
NurtureMom.com.
