Timely Tips for Time-Outs
By Judy Arnall
Tired of holding the bedroom door handle closed
when your child is trying to leave during a time-out? Fed up
with your child’s
trashing his room during time-out? Frustrated because you can’t
get your child to calm down and think about restitution during
his time-out?
Perhaps it’s time to re-think the way a time-out is used.
Some parents use a time-out for punishment, and it often erupts
into a power struggle. Originally, a time-out consisted of removing
the child from a positive situation. However, often the child
is acting up or blowing up because of the negative emotions he’s
feeling. The emotions are not generated from an environment of
pleasantness — but rather, a negative situation is occurring.
For example, a child is fighting with a sibling
and is feeling angry. He hits the brother because he is feeling
angry and frustrated.
Removal from a negative situation is what a child often needs,
but he also needs help to calm down. So ideally, a time-out should
not be a punishment but instead a calming-down strategy for an
upset child. Many parents call this child directed time-out,
a “time-in.”
Adults often take time-outs for themselves when they are angry
and frustrated. They go for a walk, blow off steam at the racquetball
court or just stay in their rooms and listen to a soothing piece
of music. The time-out is a useful skill to teach your children,
but the way that it is used is a big factor in achieving the
results that you desire.
You want your children to think a time-out is a great idea,
not something to be dreaded. The parent-directed time-out is
used as a punishment and is not recommended. If you want a great
way to calm down your children, focus them on their emotions,
actions and restitution, and connect your parent-child relationship
in the process, try the child-directed time-out.
Here are five differences between the two types:
Parent-directed
time-out (not recommended)
What: Used as a punishment.
When: Send the child away for a certain number of minutes per
year of age.
How: Give the child nothing to do and instruct
the child to “think” about
his actions. Often, the older child is really thinking about
his anger, the unfairness of the situation and/or how to retaliate.
The younger child is often confused and overwhelmed by his strong
emotions and doesn’t understand why he is abandoned.
Who: Parent requires child to be isolated.
Where: Parent decides the location, such as an
empty chair, stripped bedroom or stair step — usually
a place with nothing to do and no distractions, in order to
punish.
Child-directed time-out (Recommended)
What: Used as a calming strategy.
When: Suggest the child take a time-out from
the situation, either physically or emotionally. Let the child
decide when he’s
calm enough to start problem-solving the issue.
How: Give the child tools to calm down that suit his learning
style while he sorts out his feelings. The auditory learner needs
soothing music. The visual learner might wish to watch an aquarium,
video or draw a picture. The kinesthetic learner might benefit
from hugging stuffed toys, having a parent rub his shoulders
or hands or deep breathing practice.
Who: Ask the child if he wishes you or another adult to stay,
comfort and talk with him. An extroverted child may need a sounding
board, whereas an introverted child may need solitude.
Where: Child chooses the location such as a bedroom, special
fort, going for a walk or even the basketball hoop.
More tips for success
Don’t get into a power struggle! Remember the benefit of
parent time-outs for yourself to control your anger. Stepping
back from a power struggle doesn’t mean the child “wins”;
it means you are mature enough to take a self-imposed time-out
and calm down. Isn’t that what you ultimately want to teach
to your children?
The goal is to teach your child the appropriate
ways to calm down when they are experiencing strong feelings
rather than to
punish your child for having those feelings and expressing them
in not-so-appropriate ways. Don’t forget to come back later
and problem-solve the original trigger, when both you and your
child are calmer. For example, teach the child different ways
to handle fights with his brother other then hitting, when he
is calm, not distressed.
The best time to discuss the child-directed time-out with your
child is not in the emotional heat of the moment. Do it during
a neutral time, where you both are in good moods. Observe how
your child usually calms himself and ask for his input. Welcome
the connection in your relationship!
© Judy Arnall
Judy
Arnall, BA, is a discipline expert and founder of Attachment
Parenting Canada. She’s a parent educator
and author of Attachment Discipline: How to Raise Caring,
Responsible Children
Without Spanking, Grounding, Time-Out and Other Punishments.
Visit www.attachmentparenting.ca for
further information.
