Is it ok to spoil your kids?
By Margaret
Paul, Ph.D.
None of us want "spoiled"
kids - kids who are bratty, self-centered, demanding, inconsiderate.
But what spoils children and what doesn't?
When I was raising my children,
I was often told that I would spoil them if I didn't let them
cry or if I held them a lot. Fortunately, I didn't believe this
nonsense. You can't spoil a child with love. Children need love
as much as they need food and water.
The problem is in defining "love."
We are not giving love to our children when we give them everything
they want on the material level. Parents often think they are
loving their children when they pile them up with all the toys
or activities they desire, but what is the actual result of indulging
our children in this way?
Three traps of material
giving
There are three big negative consequence of "spoiling"
our children on the material level. First, it fosters addictive
behavior. Children fill up from the outside with things and activities
rather than filling up from the inside through caring and creativity.
Too many adults are addicted to
spending or other activities to fill up their emptiness. When
they are stressed, instead of dealing with the source of their
stress (which is often some way they are not taking care of themselves),
they cover their feelings with addictive behaviors such as spending,
TV, food or alcohol. When we offer our children too many toys,
too many activities, too much comfort food, or allow too much
TV, we are not loving them. We are training them to be addicted.
Another trap is providing things
or activities for our children while denying our own needs. It's
not loving to children to give in to their every demand, especially
if it means putting yourself aside. When you constantly give in
to your children and deny your own needs, children learn that
it's okay to disregard others needs and be demanding brats.
Children may not learn to consider
others if you do not expect them to consider you by considering
yourself. They will learn to treat you the way you treat yourself,
so it is not loving to your children to disregard yourself. When
you disrespect yourself, you teach your children to be disrespectful.
One of the big issues in our society
is that children learn to identify their self-worth with others'
approval for how they look, how many toys they have and how expensive
their clothes are. Unless parents show their children that they
value them for their inner qualities -- their caring, creativity,
compassion, laughter, joy and passion for life -- rather than
for their looks, possessions and performance, children learn to
attach their self-worth to others’ approval.
True self-worth comes from inside,
from knowing we are valuable for who we are and not for how we
look or what we do. Unfortunately, our materialistic society fosters
attaching self-worth and lovability to outside approval for things
such as a car or a house or clothes. When we "spoil"
our children with material possessions, we foster co-dependency
on outside approval.
You can’t give too
much love
You can spoil your children with material things, but you can't
spoil them with love. Love is the energy of acceptance for who
your child really is. Love is understanding, compassion, caring.
You are loving your children when
you spend time just being with them, hanging out with them, being
fully present with them, really listening to them. The greatest
gift you can give to your children is to value them for who they
really are on the inside. This is love, and nothing material can
ever replace it.
As we move into the holidays, examine
the values and expectations you are imparting to your children.
Perhaps instead of spending so much money on presents for your
children, your whole family could buy clothing and food for those
who are in need.
Imagine the real gift you could
give your children if the holidays were times of true service
in addition to feasting and sharing gifts with each other. Rather
than "spoiling" our children by giving them too much,
why not enhance their self-worth by providing them opportunities
to become giving, caring human beings?
Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including
Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?, Do I Have To Give
Up Me To Be Loved By My Kids?, Healing Your Aloneness, Inner Bonding
and Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God?. Visit her web
site for a free Inner
Bonding course or contact her at margaret@innerbonding.com.
