Fathers,
Sons and Masculinity
By Mark Brandenburg
My
5-year-old son had a quirky smile that showed a mixture of pride
and anticipation. He'd shown me his art project from school, and
he was waiting for his mom. "Come on over and look at what
Michael made," I shouted to my wife.
Michael
ran out of the room crying.
"What's
wrong?" I asked. "What happened?"
"I
wanted to tell Mom myself!" he yelled. "You ruined it."
Part
of me felt empathy for him and sadness that he couldn't "surprise"
his mother. But another dark voice in my head was louder. "Why
can't you grow up?" "Are you going to act like this
your whole childhood?"
I
was filled with visions of a son who was incapable of dealing
with the challenges and frustrations of daily living. And I felt
the responsibility of showing him how to be "tough enough"
to live in a world that delivers plenty of tough times. At the
moment, I felt like I was failing badly.
What
is masculinity?
Masculinity is supposed to be passed on from father to son. It
can't be taught by their mothers, no matter how incredible they
are. And our society still struggles with how to define masculinity.
When
I counseled men years ago, it became clear to me that those men
who hadn't felt accepted by their fathers would "compensate"
for it. They would compensate by becoming workaholics, womanizers,
drinkers, etc. Although many of them would accomplish a great
deal in their lives, they never felt as though they were "man
enough."
The
basic rules
So what are the rules for fathers in raising a son?
They're
really quite simple, but it's easy for fathers to forget them
when they get lost in their own fears about their sons’
being "wimpy." Here's a list of these simple rules:
Be
there for him. Share in his success and in his failure.
Share yourself with him, including your failures. He needs to
know that you've failed and turned out ok.
Know
that your son is studying you very closely, and act accordingly.
He won't miss much, and he'll most likely end up quite
a bit like you. So be a person that you want him to end up like!
Approve
of him. Approve of him during the good times and the
bad. If you let him know after some of his worse moments that
you still think he's great, you'll get fewer of his worst moments.
Develop
common interests and spend time on them. When your son
becomes a teenager, his interests may change significantly. Have
some common interests that will transcend these changes and give
you a place to "meet" during those teen years.
As
I remembered some of these thoughts, Michael brought his head
up from his hands. His face was wet with tears. "I'm sorry,
buddy. I didn't know you wanted to surprise your mom. That must
have been disappointing." He got up, grabbed his artwork,
and ran to his mother to show her.
He
may not be the toughest kid around, but I think he's going to
be ok.
© Mark Brandenburg
NFO regular contributor
Mark Brandenburg, MA, CPCC, is the author of 25
Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent Fathers. Sign up for
his free bi-weekly newsletter, Dads, Don't Fix Your Kids,
at MarkBrandenburg.com.
