5 Ways to Connect With Your Teenager
By Lloyd J. Thomas
When my children were in their mid- to late teens, I looked at
them, listened to them and sometimes reacted to them as if they
were some type of illegal alien dropped into my life from some
other planet, whose primary purpose was to eternally harass my
existence and deplete my pocketbook. Sometimes I was frightened
by what they seemed to be turning into. Sometimes I was proud
of those sudden flashes of maturity, appreciativeness and good
judgment they displayed. Most of the time, I was aware that I
was on the adult side of that generation gap that existed some
25 short years earlier.
Not a lot has changed on the adolescent side. Adolescents are
still rebellious, challenging adult values, experimenting with
new roles, feeling able to change the world and playing with decisions
and choices that may set the course for the rest of their lives.
Life for teenagers today however, is not like it was when we
were teenagers. Now we know that sexual behavior can lead to
pregnancy
and illness. Now we know that poor grades can shut out opportunities
for a college career or a better job. Now we know drinking alcohol
and driving can maim us for the rest of our lives or kill us
(or
somebody else) immediately. Now we know that there are always,
always, always consequences directly linked to our choices. Now
we know that the trick is to learn to anticipate which consequences
result from what choices.
Stay
connected
What can parents do to help stay connected to our young adult
offspring? Here are some suggestions for bridge construction across
the gap.
1. Keep the lines of communication open between you and the
teenager. Listen to them. Listen to what is said and what is
unsaid. At this point in their lives, listening is more important
than talking to them. Listen with an open mind and an open heart.
What they have to say is important. The process of saying it
to a listening adult is crucial.
2. Assert your own values without attacking their newly developing
ones. For example, let them know how you think and believe
about
the uses of alcohol, but don't preach, dictate or demand they
conform to your beliefs. Set a consistent example for what
you
value and give
permission for them to develop their own "philosophy of
life."
3. Reward your teenager with increased freedom whenever they
display personal and interpersonal responsibility. If they demonstrate
responsible use of money, consider and respect their ideas on
how money is to be spent.
4. Learn to expect friction and defiance. Teenagers operate
on what is called "fluid intelligence." It enables
them to support even the most irrational idea or argument. Adults
usually function on "static intelligence," or knowledge
accumulated over past years of experience. Defiance is often
necessary for the teenager in order to free himself from the
felt dependencies he no longer needs to "make it"
on his own in the world.
5. Save your heavy ammunition for important conflicts. Don't
punish or impose restrictions for insignificant or helpless
causes (e.g. missing a curfew by 10 minutes or wearing clothes
or hair styles that seem awful to you). If you fire all your
big guns on small issues, you will have no fire power about
the more significant offenses like wrecking the family car.
Rather
than seeing our teenagers as aliens, we need to accept them as
young colleagues. Perhaps we can allow ourselves to enter their
world and learn from it. After all, kids provide spontaneity and
hope for the future. They offer their idealism and enthusiasm,
without which the process of change and growth would come to a
virtual standstill. Adventure in their world may be exhilarating
even if we usually stand on our own side of the future and only
occasionally cross over the connecting bridge.
© Lloyd J. Thomas
Lloyd J. Thomas,
Ph.D., has more than 30 years of experience as a life coach and
licensed psychologist. He is available for coaching in any area.
Initial coaching sessions are free. Contact him at (970) 568-0173
or by e-mail at DrLloyd@CreatingLeaders.com or LJTDAT@aol.com.
